Crap-tacular New Year

We spent yesterday pulling everything out of the basement storage area. Today we took our mounds of previously loved and gently used treasure to Goodwill. We’ll be keeping the garbage man busy for a couple weeks too.

When we moved into our house (just shy of six years ago) we thought we had died and gone to heaven, “Look at the storage space! Look at how much room we have!” But crap procreates in the darkness of closets and basements and it wasn’t long before our vast storage areas were full to the brim.

There’s an old Chinese custom that says to ensure good luck in the new year you must clean every inch of your house and get rid of any old or broken things you no longer use. The job must be done before the new year begins or else you will have nothing but misfortune in the upcoming year.

I’ve always liked that custom, almost more than the traditional spring cleaning, so every year between Christmas and New Year I try to give the house a good once over. If possible, I load up the car and take some boxes to Goodwill. It makes me feel good – like I’ve accomplished something. I also like being able to actually walk into my walk-in storage closet. The tax deduction from Goodwill doesn’t hurt either.

I won’t be able to clean every inch of my house but I should be able to give it a good top to bottom before New Years Day.

May old crap be forgot and never brought to mind
When you walk into your closet, may bare floor you find.

Catching my breath

I’m sitting in the living room with my feet up and my lap top open. Toby Keith is in the CD player (that man has such a sexy voice). Darling daughter is cuddling with a new Christmas dolly and watching The Wiggles on TV. Darling husband is sacked out in his chair – a peaceful moment that I know won’t last. The house is a wreck. I have house cleaning and errands to run but not just yet. Momma needs some by-self time…

Christmas Eve went smoothly without a peep or a harsh word from darling mother-in-law. Christmas morning was the same – we all had a great time. I guess that proves that Christmas miracles still happen occasionally. I hope Nancy Dancehall experienced her own Christmas miracle.

By noon on Christmas Day, we were on the road driving north to Minnesota to visit my parents and my sister and her family. Stayed overnight with Mom and Dad on Sunday and then over to my sister's for Monday and Tuesday night.

We had a good time visiting and catching up with everyone. Watched our new Revenge of the Sith DVD on Dad’s flat screen entertainment center – my head is still vibrating from the stereo sound. Darling daughter had a great time playing with her cousins.

Only one mishap – a small sledding accident. The hill was steep, the snow was fast and darling daughter flipped her sled. In NASCAR speak, “She pulled a Tony Stewart but not a Dale Earnhardt.” She now has five band-aids on the left side of her face from her hairline to her cheek bone to cover some bad scrapes. Mommy’s fault, “Why don’t you get on the sled by yourself and race your cousin down the hill?” famous last words. In all my years of skiing and all the bad spills I took, I never scraped up my face so it never occurred to me she would fall and use her face as the brake.

She’s okay – she’s even told me she wants to go sledding again with Mommy but next time we’ll skip the boo-boo part. Up until that last fateful trip down the hill she was having a blast. She’s my little thrill seeker – if it’s fast and wild she loves it. I hope this spill doesn’t change that.

Drove back to Iowa on Wednesday. Side note – whoever invented automatic flush toilets should be shot and stuffed headfirst into one. “Magic Potties” are scary and darling daughter will not use them. Playing “nice potty” scavenger hunt is not a lot fun – made for some tense moments. Made it back to town just in time to go to a birthday party at R and T’s – Happy 35th R man!

So we’re back today and takin’ it easy. No other major social engagements. Only plans are to pack up some stuff for Goodwill and maybe spend some of our Christmas money – out with the old crap and in with the new. Cheese fondue and shrimp are on the menu for our New Year’s Eve nosh.

Happy Hanukah everyone!

All is calm, all is bright…

Happy happy day! The Woody cowboy doll we have been waiting for came in the mail yesterday! It’s wrapped and hidden away until its big debut Christmas morning. Santa’s reputation is saved!

More good news – darling mother-in-law has not caused any more major trouble; a few gruff comments but nothing directly about us not going with her tomorrow. She’s made it obvious she’s not happy but we seem to have a truce at the moment. She will be coming over with darling Grandma when they’re back in town Christmas Eve – and staying overnight. I hope she doesn’t choose that moment to unload.

Darling husband and I both had the day off so we braved the traffic and ran a few last minute errands. We're home all day tomorrow preparing for Santa's arrival.

Silent night

We have not heard from darling husband’s mother since Sunday. I find this curious because Sunday was the day darling husband put his foot down and emphatically told his mom we would not be going to Missouri for the annual Christmas present exchange with his cousins. She was not happy about it but dropped the subject when she realized she wasn’t winning the argument.

A few things I need to explain about darling mother-in-law. First – she is what I call a “challenging personality.” She likes getting her way and is never shy about expressing her opinions. Second – she doesn’t give up easily, which is why I find it interesting we have not heard from her. Just because she accepted our decision on Sunday doesn’t mean the conversation is over. Past history suggests we will have this same discussion with her at least two more times before Saturday.

I suspect she considered Sunday to be an initial skirmish and has now withdrawn to formulate a new strategy. The silence almost makes me more nervous since I don’t know what she’s up to. Time will tell.

On another subject, darling husband and I are nervously waiting the arrival of the postman. We ordered a talking Woody doll (Toy Story) online over a week ago and it still has not arrived. This is the one big present darling daughter asked Santa to bring – has been asking repeatedly for a month or more. She is only 3 ½ so this is really the first “Christmas Wish” she has put in the hands of the man in the big red suit.

We still have mail delivery tomorrow, Friday and Saturday so we’re probably worrying for nothing. Parents reading this will understand what we’re going through. You want Santa to look like a hero not a chump.

Christmas is ruined and it's all your fault!!!

What is it about the holiday season that makes families crazy? Every year we are guaranteed at least one Christmas related drama with one side of the family or the other. We know it's coming. From about Nov. 1 on, you can sense it. By Thanksgiving, you can feel it. By mid December it is a prowling beast waiting to be unleashed! It's out there and there's nothing you can do about it! Panic grips you and then with a primal Howard Dean scream it bursts into view!

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This year was no different. For six weeks we've been trying to organize a family Christmas present exchange with my darling husband's extended family who live out of state. For six weeks we've been told nothing. For six weeks we've begged and pleaded for someone to make a decision. Then finally with a week to go before Christmas we're told it will be Christmas Eve - the exact date we had repeatedly asked for it NOT be held....(heavy sigh).

We're not going. The travel time required would ruin any plans we had for spending Christmas Eve with our darling daughter. Unfortunately, there are "family consequences" to our decision as it breaks a 38-year tradition of darling husband exchanging presents with his cousins in person. It created a bit of a drama du jour with darling husband's mother over the weekend but that seems to have tapered off - at least for now.

But I am not the only one afflicted with "Christmas Crazy" this year. I spent a good chunk of Sunday afternoon commiserating with Dear Friend from Denver over her most recent family drama. It sounds like "Deck the Halls" might turn into "Deck the In-Laws" before too long.

So I ask again - what is it about this time of year that makes people crazy? Why do some people feel it is okay to force their will or use guilt to make other family members do their bidding at Christmas - something they would never ever consider doing to their friends.

"You must (INSERT IRRATIONAL AND COMPLETELY SELFISH REQUEST HERE) else Christmas is ruined and it's all your fault!"

In the case of Dear Friend from Denver, the comments have turned downright nasty! Yeah - that will make me want to spend Christmas with you....NOT!!!

Having said all that - darling husband and I are looking forward to a nice Christmas with darling daughter. She is very excited this year and totally into the whole Santa gig! Christmas Eve will be spent at home baking cookies, listening to Christmas music, and drinking hot chocolate. I will be enjoying all of it, soaking it in and making beautiful memories. Christmas is what you make of it and I'm going to make this a good one.

Putting the “fun” back in “dysfunctional”: A Holiday Survival Guide

Your relatives are due on your door step any minute – and you hate them! Here are a few tips to help make the holidays a little more tolerable for all of us. You’ll notice my advice is divided into two categories – for Crazy Relatives and for Non-Crazy Relatives – which category you fall into should be obvious.

Still not sure which category is yours? Well – if you don’t think you have any crazy relatives then it is entirely possible that YOU are the crazy relative. Does that help?

Advice for Crazy Relatives

1. Shut up and eat - Eat what is offered – no complaints. Thank the chef and praise the cooking even if it is hideous.

2. Accept that people will do things different than you do - Don’t criticize or offer helpful suggestions (unless asked) on how to make the traditional sweet potato/green bean/tuna/cheese/ham ball/cranberry/chicken casserole with potato chip topping.

3. Drinkers should abstain – non-drinkers should drink liberally. Drinkers won’t get drunk – non-drinkers will automatically become more interesting.

4. Put on a happy face - Don’t argue about who got great grandma’s good dishes, Uncle Harry’s farm, or who was mom’s favorite. Stick to safer topics like the weather. When in doubt, shut your pie hole.

5. Sample phrases to use:

Thank you for inviting me!
Everything looks delicious!
What a lovely home you have!
Can I help clean up?
Next year you’ll have to let me host!

6. Sample phrases to avoid:

This turkey is as dry as your cold dead heart!
I hate you!
Mother always liked you best!
I always liked Christmas better at (INSERT NAME OF EX WIFE/HUSBAND)’s house.
Aren’t you dead yet?

Advice for Non-Crazy Relatives

1. Drink before you go. Leave early.

2. If you are hosting, start drinking before other people show up.

3. Stop inviting crazy relatives to your holiday gatherings.

4. Practice your fake laughter for those unavoidable stressful moments.

5. Avoid unnecessary conversation by keeping their mouths full, “More turkey/potatoes/stuffing/pie/coffee?”

6. Sample phrases: Use with caution

Hysterical laughter followed by, “You’re soooooooo funny!”
I’m sorry – but we’re having a drama free evening.
Yes – mother always did like me best. Are you happy now?
My turkey may be dry but at least you can’t freeze ice on my ass.
Why don’t you be quiet for awhile and let that cut under your nose heal.

Fantasies of Donna Reed

I feel "blah" today but at least I feel like writing. I guess I’ll write about how “blah” I feel. Lucky you!

I’m not depressed or experiencing any kind of weird social anxiety because of the holiday season. And, no, I have not stopped taking my meds because - knock on wood - I have no meds to take.

Work is boring. Gray cube walls. Gray ceiling. Blue-gray rug.

Home is where I want to be – warm and cozy, drinking hot chocolate, wrapping presents, listening to Christmas music.

But I can’t do that because I’m a “working mother.” I always hated that term. Don’t all mothers “work”? I could say, “I work outside the home,” but that sounds stupid too like, “I use the bathroom when I’m away from home.”

At times like this, I fantasize I am Donna Reed in some 1950s stay-at-home housewife sitcom. You know the kind. She wears her heels and pearls while cheerfully vacuuming or packing lunches for the kids before sending them off to school. Her children are well behaved and nicely dressed. Her husband has a good office job and is home by 5:30pm every night just in time for a beautifully home cooked meal to magically appear on the table followed by appreciative “ooohs!” and “ahhs!” Her house is spotless and tastefully decorated. They take a family vacation every year to places like The Grand Canyon and “the beach.” She’s a perfect size 6 – her “fat clothes” are a size 8. She’s on the PTA. She does charity work for her church. She has coffee with “the girls.” Domestic bliss.

Okay, okay…. don’t get your crinoline in a bunch. I know life was never truly like this back in the 1950s and I know today’s stay-at-home moms do not live in this type of chaos free environment now. That’s why I call it a fantasy. And it’s my fantasy so I can imagine anything I like so chill out.

It’s not that I’m disappointed with my life. I love my darling husband and my darling daughter. I take comfort in and enjoy the financial security working for Corporate America has brought to my family.

“I can bring home the bacon…fry it up in a pan…”

Whatever…

“I am woman hear me roar…”

Not even close…

I hate those songs. I’m a woman but I don’t need to “roar” to prove it to anyone. I’m just doing what I need to do. My career is not a hobby – it’s a necessity. Who knows what the future may bring? There may come a day when I could stay at home. My friends all tell me, “You’d be so bored at home! You wouldn’t like it.” Don’t be so sure – perhaps they don’t know me as well as they think. I believe I could find great satisfaction in being a full time Domestic Diva.

So anyway, that’s where I am today, enjoying my Donna Reed Fantasy. This too shall pass. It’s usually followed by my Murphy Brown Fantasy but I will save that for another post.

I have nothing to say…almost

I have nothing to say today. My writing muse has left me. Nothing really interests me enough to write about at length.

I could write about Tookie Williams' execution…but I don’t feel like rehashing what has already been said.

I could write about the Des Moines man who was arrested for beating up an acquaintance, reckless driving and drug possession…Did I mention the guy is legally blind? Busy day for blind guys I guess….

Driving was stupid, says legally blind man http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051212/NEWS01/512120328&SearchID=73229376064745

Duh!…

I could write about the Wisconsin man who walked from a rest stop north of Ankeny, Iowa to a nearby housing development stripping as he went. He broke into one of the houses. He was arrested in the house – naked.

Nude burglar caught in empty house http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051209/NEWS01/512090311&SearchID=73229376158831

Ah, irony!

Fox News just announced the body of the missing Connecticut jogger was found on the property of the actor who plays Big Bird on Sesame Street. Large yellow feathers were found near the body (okay – I made that part up but it’s still weird). The police might want to question Snuffy while they are there.

People keep disappearing on cruise ships. Carnival Cruise Line used to have a slogan “If my friends could see me now, out on a fun ship cruise...” I think the terminally perky Kathy Lee Gifford used to sing in the ads. Now they should sing, “If my friends could find me now…I’m either missing or dead. I stiffed my cabin steward and he bashed in my head...” Catchy little jingle but I’m still working on it.

So anyway, that’s all I got; nothing to write about today. Maybe my muse will visit me tomorrow.

Hey y'all! Watch this!

This just in… People are stupid. I mean, really, really stupid and I'm continuously amazed by the glittering stupidity of others. Here’s a little gem from The Des Moines Register.

Des Moines Register - December 7, 2005
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051207/NEWS/51207014&SearchID=73228844212752

Three men, who pleaded guilty earlier this year to setting opossums on fire and filming it, were sentenced by a Webster County district court judge today to what amounts to 30 days in jail each. Anthony Herrington, 20, Kevin Calderon, 20, and David Bendickson, 19, had pleaded guilty to animal torture, an aggravated misdemeanor that carries a maximum penalty of two years in prison plus fines.

How did these "Rhode Scholars" come up with this idea in the first place? I'd like to know how that conversation sounded:

Anthony: What you wanna do today?
Kevin: Dunno - what you wanna do?
David: I know - let's pour gasoline on opossums and set them on fire!
All together: Cool!

Here's hoping these knuckle-dragging, mouth breathers have fun in jail over the next 30 days. May they have bored cell mates who are just as creative as they are.

Time to break out the chapstick

The temperature today was 3 degrees, the windchill was -7. Doesn't quite classify as ass chappin' cold yet but it's getting close.

• 30 - 40 degrees = Brisk
• 20 - 30 degrees = Cold
• 0 - 20 degrees = Brrr!
• -5 degrees = Dang!
• -10 degrees = Uhhhnnnn!
• -15 degrees = *&%#@!
• -20 degrees = Ass Chappin' Cold

Anything colder than -20 and I'll kick you and steal your scarf. It’s supposed to get down to -4 tonight with a windchill of -18.

...thinking warm thoughts….thinking warm thoughts…thinking warm thoughts...

Snow daze and tiny marshmallows

Wednesday night the sky opened and blessed us with 2-3 inches of nice fluffy snow. It snowed again all day yesterday for another 3 inches. If this keeps up we’ll have a white Christmas for sure. So much for getting the Christmas lights out on the front bushes.

It’s white and pretty now but in another month it will go from “blessed snow” to “cursed snow.” By February, it will be called “that-damned-crap-that-falls-from-the-sky-and-makes-my-life-a-living-hell.” Remember the scene from Fargo where Jerry Lundergard is scrapping the ice from his windshield? After a few seconds he flies into a rage and starts beating his windshield with his snow scraper. I can sympathize. I’ve been there.

I have not bought new snow boots for my darling daughter (3 years old) so unfortunately playing in the snow it not yet possible. I’m determined to buy boots for her today – the fact that I am willing to brave the mall on a weekend afternoon this time of year is proof of my maternal instincts.

Since we couldn’t play in the snow, I decided to shovel off the deck so darling daughter could throw bread to the birds. Seemed like a fun Norman Rockwell type activity. I saved all the bread crusts and crumbs left over from making the stuffing for Thanksgiving. It was time to get it out of the kitchen and reclaim my limited counter space.

Darling daughter loved tossing the bread and did not wander off the deck. When the bread was gone, we went back inside and watched out the window, waiting for the birds to show up – they didn’t so that kind of blew the second half of my Rockwell fantasy. She did enjoy the hot chocolate I made for her so it was still a nice mother-daughter moment.

It continued to snow the rest of Saturday so now it doesn’t look like I’ve been on the deck at all. The bread we tossed out is all covered up so I guess the birds will have to go without. Ah well… it’s the thought that counts.

Today I think we will be “snowed-in” – a self imposed snowed-in since we can get out if we really want to. I will head out later for the aforementioned snow boots. Darling husband went out this morning for a quick store run. He came back with those little tiny marshmallows I love - a must for hot chocolate.

The house is clean, the Christmas decorations are up, snow is on the ground and I have tiny white marshmallows in the cupboard – life is good!

Coming soon to a bathroom near you…

…black toilet paper. No kidding! I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. It seems the Europeans, known throughout the world for their impeccable hygiene (not!), are making black toilet paper all the rage. It’s chic, it’s sophisticated, it’s classy, it’s booty-licious! And it’s making a big splash (so to speak) in upscale hotels and restaurants. Wouldn't it be nice if Europeans decided it was fashionable to shower more than once a week? The company expects to unveil (unroll?) the new TP in the United States and Canada next year.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,177367,00.html

Err…I just have one question. If the paper is black,….how do you know…if…well….when you’ve used enough? I would think that the color might interfere with the basic function of the product. Call me crazy, but I don’t think this product will catch on in Iowa. I just don’t see Iowans paying $4 a roll for something you flush.