Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Wanted: Butch librarians

I’m driving home from work yesterday and the traffic report comes on the radio. There had been a two car accident in downtown Des Moines at about 2nd and Locust. After the accident, the two drivers left their cars, went into the library and started beating the crap out of each other. The police were on their way.

So that gets me thinking…. The downtown library has been seeing a lot of action lately; first pedophiles snatching babies and now this. The challenges librarians face are changing. It’s not just overdue books and paper cuts anymore.

Gone are the days of the slender, white haired, bespectacled woman in support hose and orthopedic shoes. We need to start hiring a new breed of librarians… as in fresh-from-her-tour-in-Iraq-could-bench-press-200-pounds-slap-you-upside-the-head-when-you-talk-too-loud kind of librarian.

I certainly would not want a new hiring policy to cause us to lose any of our current librarians so I propose a strict training regimen. Rigorous physical training, hand-to-hand combat drills, and instruction in hostage negotiation should all be required. And let’s not forget the proper equipment. Flak jacket, handcuffs and tazer gun should do nicely.

Once buffed up and properly equipped, I think our librarian swat team will be a force to be reckoned with. Pedophiles and miscreants beware! Might reduce the number of late book returns too.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Picking at the turkey carcass

Here are a few Thanksgiving leftovers.

Coffee, tea or pee
There are other ways to get the flight attendant’s attention…

www.local6.com/news/5406673/detail.html

Charlotte, N.C. -- An intoxicated passenger who lit a cigarette and urinated in the aisle led pilots to divert a United Airlines flight from Orlando to Washington, D.C., an airline spokeswoman said.

The man, whose name the airline declined to release, was taken off flight 1502 in Charlotte and questioned by police, spokeswoman Robin Urbanski said.

The man was "acting extremely inappropriately," Urbanski said. "When you want to run a safe airline, we don't tolerate that type of activity on our aircraft.

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China victim of irony
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself…

Earthquake rattles China: www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,176759,00.html


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A tree by any other name
Can anyone tell me which “holiday” this “Holiday Tree” was erected for - Kwanza? Ramadan? Chanukah? Happy Chanu-Rama-Kwanza-mas!

www.today.reuters.com/news/newsarticle.aspx?type=domesticNews&storyid=2005-11-25T225326Z_01_KRA582362_RTRUKOC_0_US-LIFE-TREE.xml&rpc=22

Boston (Reuters) - Boston set off a furor this week when it officially renamed a giant tree erected in a city park a "holiday tree" instead of a "Christmas tree.”

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‘Cats’ returns to Des Moines for 9th time
Am I the only person left in Des Moines who has not seen this show?

Monday, November 21, 2005

No beer, no smokes but yes to porn

Des Moines Register, Nov. 21 - A homeless sex offender accused of molesting a toddler in a Des Moines library restroom last month told police he used library computers to view pornography many times.

Tobacco is a legal product but it is restricted by who can buy it and where it can be used. Even with these restrictions it is widely available and those who choose to smoke may under certain conditions.

Because of the dangers of second-hand smoke, laws were passed to remove smokers from non-smokers...period...end of discussion. The sight of smokers shivering in the cold or huddled together under umbrellas outside of office buildings is now common. We offer little to no sympathy because after all, they are the ones who choose to smoke and smokers have many options as to where they can indulge this habit.

Pornography is also a legal product. It is regulated by Federal, State and community standards and yet it is still widely available for those who wish to indulge. Viewing pornography is generally considered to be a private affair (no pun intended). Until now...

Consider the case of James Effler Jr.:

www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051121/NEWS01/511210330/1001&lead=1

Des Moines Register Nov. 21

A homeless sex offender accused of molesting a toddler in a Des Moines library restroom last month told police he used library computers to view pornography many times.Even if that's true, James Effler Jr. didn't violate any laws or break library rules.The Effler case gives fuel to groups that push for Internet filters intended to block pornographic Web sites at libraries - a position opposed by some librarian associations despite the risk of losing federal money.

Des Moines Police Detective Tom Follett said Effler told police he entered the library Oct. 4 planning to use a computer to look at porn but had not logged on before the 20-month-old girl was snatched from the floor near her baby sitter, who was using a computer. The child was taken into a restroom and assaulted.

Was the child a victim of “second-hand arousal”? Effler went to the library to look at porn. Sex was obviously already on his mind before he even saw the child and the temptation was too great. If the library didn’t offer access to porn, he probably would have been somewhere else that day.

Call me crazy but it seems a conflict of interest that a city or state government would set up buffer zones forcing convicted sexual predators to move themselves away from schools and playgrounds where children gather and then give free access to pornography in public libraries. Free meaning paid for by tax payers.

Government: As a convicted sexual predator, you may not live across the street from a playground but you can go to the library and look at porn next to the children’s reading room thanks to the tireless efforts of our librarian association.

Does this make sense to anyone?!?!? Let's review. I can not light up my cancer stick, crack open a cold beer or eat a candy bar in the library (all legal activities) because it might annoy or possibly be a hazard to others in the library; but I can view pornography and if I am a sex offender, become dangerously aroused to the point where I might commit an unspeakable crime.

The way I see it, we have several choices - we could ban sex offenders from entering the library. This would require a background check of everyone who applies for a library card as well as anyone entering the library. We could ban women and children from entering the library as they are most often the victims of sexual predators...much like we ban children from bars.

Or perhaps we could create a separate "arousal section" for those who wish to view pornography. Patrons would be carded at the door and then when they are ready to leave they would be subjected to an "arousal check" by a uniformed police office.

Officer: Excuse me, sir. Have you been viewing pornography?

Library Patron: Not much…just a couple Playboys.

If they are considered in a state of arousal beyond the "legal limit" they could be ticketed and/or arrested and their library card suspended. Of course this is completely absurd... Or perhaps just maybe we can put filters on the computers and lock out known pornography sites. What makes the most sense here?

Viewing porn is not a constitutional right. We are not violating anyone's "rights" if we ban porn from the library just as we have not violated anyone rights to smoke or drink. We've already established the fact that consumers have many options for viewing and buying pornography. The public libraries do not corner the retail porn market - they are not the Wal-Mart of porn.

So let's all take a deep breath and use some common sense. The purpose of porn is to arouse, to entice. By his own admission, Effler went to the library to look at porn. He hadn’t logged on to the computer yet when he kidnapped the child so I guess he saw the child as an easier and more satisfying target than simply viewing images online. If porn was not available at the library, I’m guessing he wouldn’t have been there at all.

There are many legal activities you can not do in the library; no one questions the need to have a smoke free or alcohol free environment in the library. Why does common sense fail us when it comes to pornography?

Friday, November 18, 2005

From Hawaii with love

So what’s up with Senator Daniel Inouye, D-Hawaii? Why is he sending mash notes to Senators Tom Harkin, D-Iowa, and Arlen Specter, R-Pa., in the form of amendments proposing new buildings be named after them?

Here’s an excerpt from the Des Moines Register: http://desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051118/NEWS09/511180371/1056

November 18, 2005 - A building at the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta would have been named for Sen. Tom Harkin of Iowa in a bill that failed to gain House approval Thursday.

Harkin is the top Democrat on the subcommittee of the Senate Appropriations Committee that doles out money for the centers, along with other human services spending.Under an amendment approved in the Senate, the centers' communications building would become the "Thomas R. Harkin Global Communications Center."

Inouye also designated another building at the centers to be named for the chairman of the subcommittee, Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa. It would become the "Arlen Specter Headquarters and Emergency Operations Center."

Oh Danny boy! You romantic you! A bit of advice - try sending flowers first. Flowers make anyone feel special. Also – I’m not sure a building at the Centers for Disease Control is the best choice. No one likes to have their name associated with a place that invokes images of small pox and gonorrhea.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The big chill

I’m still in a dark mood but now I’m feeling more nostalgic. I received some bad news this week. An old friend I haven’t seen in a very long time lost his wife suddenly over the weekend. He now has three little girls to raise on his own.

I feel bad on many levels. First and foremost, I feel terrible for my friend and the pain he must be feeling right now. But I also feel bad that I lost touch with someone, a good friend, who used to be a very important part of my life.

He was one of a group of friends in college – our gang. We would all get together and do the usual college stuff. We’d get on each others nerves and have our petty dramas and arguments but most of all we had fun and we all really cared about each other. We were all friends. And we all said we would keep in touch after college and like most college students – we didn’t.

Relationships waiver, new romances form, people move away and we all get busy with jobs and families and new petty dramas and arguments. Suddenly ten years or more slip by and you wake up wondering what happened to that person.

There’s only one good thing about a funeral – it brings people back together. It gets you back in touch with people you haven’t seen in a long time; friends you didn’t mean to lose but somehow lost sight of along the way. Life is too short and friends are too important to forget.

So if you’re sitting there reading this and it’s got you thinking about an old friend you haven’t talked to in a while, what’s holding you back? Dig out the old address book, pick up the phone and call some old buddies. Google them if you have to but do something. Whoever your friend is they were really important to you at one time. Don’t wait for tragedy as an excuse to get back in touch with them. Give them a call and find out what’s going on in their life. You may discover that your “old” friend is the best “new” friend you ever had.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Bombers having a bad day

I’m in kind of a dark mood today so hopefully I won’t offend with this one. You’ve heard about the bomber whose bomb didn’t go off? She was part of the husband and wife team in the Amman bombings.

http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/11/13/D8DS0JQO6.html

I have a theory - maybe it was just an elaborate plot to get rid of her deadbeat husband, "Oh yes of course, honey! I'll be happy to blow myself up with you! See you on the other side!....SUCKER!!!" Now she's laughing all the way to her extreme make over. She’s ditching the burka and getting some Jimmy Choos!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Drake Diner receives two thumbs up from Alan Colmes!

The Drake Diner in Des Moines received some national exposure Monday night on the Hannity and Colmes show on Fox News.

Alan Colmes was in Des Moines over the weekend and interviewed former Senator Tom Daschle at the Drake Diner. Both were in town Nov. 5 to attend the annual Jefferson Jackson Day Dinner sponsored by the Iowa Democratic Party.

I was only half listening to the interview so I didn’t catch a lot of what they talked about – the usual political blah blah blah. But my ears did perk up when Colmes not once, but twice, mentioned how great the milkshakes were at the diner. Daschle agreed! This little tidbit was by far the most important and engaging portion of the interview.

The Drake Diner has great milkshakes and malts – lots of other good food too! Normally, I wouldn’t find myself agreeing with either Colmes or Daschle so this was a first for me.

So take a tip from Alan Colmes and swing by the Drake Diner for a milkshake and a burger. You won’t be disappointed!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Holiday schmoliday and angst over the "C" word

It may seem like I'm jumping the gun with this topic but the "holiday" season is closer than you think. Knowing how busy I'll be later, I wanted to get a head start on my "holiday taunting" so here it is, fresh out of the box.

Christmas is truly a magical time although in the past few years it's developed some surreal qualities I could do without. The hand wringing and nervous glances are getting a little old.

"Ack! Red and green ribbons!"
"Ack! Poinsettias!"
"Ack! (stage whisper) Don't call it a Christmas tree! It's a Holiday tree!"
"Ack! Snowmen! That's too Christmassy!"


The way some people worry and fret you'd think if you dared utter the phrase "Merry Christmas" you might get punched in the mouth - or worse, sued. Lighten up folks! Wishing someone a Merry Christmas is not the verbal equivalent to farting in public - everyone looking away embarrassed and not making eye contact with the one who did the deed. It's meant as a positive thing - kind of like "Have a nice day!"

You: But what if I don't want to have a nice day?!?! You're being insensitive to my need to be a grouch!

Me: I see your point. In that case, shove it!

I am a Christmas Maverick. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Who am I hurting? I would be thrilled and grateful if anyone took the time to wish me a Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanza or Happy Ramadan. Okay - so maybe Happy Ramadan might be a little weird. My philosophy is to accept all holiday greetings in the spirit in which they were intended.

Some have told me I'm not being sensitive to people who do not celebrate Christmas. Well, I celebrate Christmas and if I offer a well-intentioned Christmas greeting and the person rebuffs me isn't that being insensitive to my beliefs? Why when it comes to religious tolerance Christians are always the ones who are told they have to hide what they believe? And don't tell me it's because Christians are the most intolerant. If that is true then this country, which was founded on Judeo-Christian values (like it or not - to this day an overwhelming majority of U.S. citizens profess to be Christian), would not have the religious freedom we enjoy today. The United States is probably one of the most religiously tolerant countries in the world. I'll say it again; why not just accept the greeting as it was intended?

I realize some of you might not be as brave (or as stupid) as I am so as an added service I have written a "Holiday Disclaimer." Use it in good health.

Have an all inclusive, non-offensive, tolerant winter experience not associated with any one religion (personal belief system, convictions, or creed) or ethnic background (race or geographical) or socioeconomic group; under no circumstances should you feel forced or obligated to exhibit feelings contrary to your current condition if you are overwhelmed by the unhappiness of others or are experiencing anxiety due to current world events or personal instability and wish to remain in an unaltered emotional state as it is more in keeping with your natural existence or if you are making a political or social statement; please forgive me if you find this unsolicited proclamation oppressive or insensitive in any way as it was not intended as such.

May this time of year also be free of the blatant exploitation of arctic wildlife (endangered or otherwise) and may we see the liberation of enslaved animals forced to live with or near their human oppressors. May you avoid commercialism and the over consumption of material goods and foodstuffs in the next calendar year.

Of course, by the time you get through saying this it will be Valentine's Day but at least you will have made your point.