Evil men

Just received word of Saddam Hussein's execution.

The womb shall forget him; the worm shall feed sweetly on him; he shall be no more remembered; and wickedness shall be broken as a tree.

- Job 24:20 (King James)

Buzz Lightyear weds Bridal Barbie

DES MOINES, IOWA - Two new favorite Christmas presents have tied the knot in the DMG household. Buzz Lightyear and Bridal Barbie met on Christmas day. It was love at first sight and wedding plans soon followed.

When asked if he would love, honor and cherish his new bride, Mr. Lightyear replied, “To infinity and beyond!” Bridal Barbie was overcome with happiness and rendered speechless. The happy couple plans to take a two minute honeymoon in the living room followed by another wedding ceremony.

The bride looked lovely in her white gown and pink trim. A golden crown and pink veil completed her look. The groom wore his military uniform, space helmet and jet pack.

The ceremony went without incident until the groom's laser gun inadvertently went off, which caused some confusion. No injuries were reported.

There was some whispering among the other Christmas toys as to the reason behind the speedy nuptials. When asked, Mr. Lightyear was direct, “This is an intergalactic emergency!” His response confirmed many of the toys’ suspicions.

Away in a Manger

The clowns got together on Saturday night for some Christmas caroling at the hospital. We walked the floors, sang some songs and did our best to hand out a few smiles. We didn’t go into the individual rooms unless the patient or a family member requested it.

On one floor, a nurse told us a woman wanted us to sing for her. She was on a ventilator and needed some cheering up. We went to her room and asked her if she had a favorite Christmas song. She had some trouble telling us but requested Away in a Manger.

We sang for her and even in her weakened state she tried to sing along with us. She finally just closed her eyes and mouthed the words. When we got to the last verse, it was all I could do to keep singing.

Be near me Lord Jesus I ask thee to stay,
Close by me forever and love me I pray.
Bless all the dear children in thy tender care,
And take us to heaven to live with thee there.

It must be awful to be in the hospital during Christmas. I hope we were able to lift that woman’s spirits if only for a little while. I know I left her room with a warm glow I’ll never forget.

Picture: Adoration of the Shepherds (1535-40), by Agnolo Bronzino

The hampster could not be reached for comment
I predict a law will now be passed requiring a three-day waiting period for anyone wishing to purchase a hampster ball.

Man says roommate attacked him with hamster ball

A Des Moines man has been arrested and charged with assault for allegedly attacking a roommate with a hamster ball.

Police were sent to 6500 S.W. Ninth St., about 5 a.m., today. When they arrived they found a shaken Kaleb Johnson, 20, in the hallway of the apartment building still talking on a phone to dispatchers.

He told officers he was sleeping when his roommate attacked him. He said he tried to run but the roommate grabbed a hamster ball and hit him in the head with it. The roommate then took a curtain rod and hit him with it, then bit Johnson on the arm, leaving teeth marks.Johnson said he finally got away and called 911.

Police arrested Chaz Adrian Denham, 19, on a charge of domestic assault with injury. He was taken to the Polk County Jail.Investigators took photographs of the injuries and a damaged curtain rod.

Who ARE these people?!?!?

You see them on TV - they surprise their spouse with a brand new car for Christmas, wrapped with a red ribbon and already sitting in the driveway. They buy expensive jewelry, "It's what I've always wanted!" she squeals. She takes him out for an impromptu lunch...in ROME...using her frequent flyer miles she earned on her gold card. If I'm expecting overnight holiday guests, I clean up the spare room and put out fresh towels. But if I am to believe the TV ads there are people who remodel their kitchen in preparation for all their holiday cooking before their first guest shows up on their doorstep.

Sheesh!

Any ad man will tell you these advertisements are not selling a product but rather the image, the lifestyle, and their devious plan is to create a desire in you to live up to that ideal, as unattainable as it may be. Every year these images get more outrageous and more lavish. The "ideal" the advertising world has created is so completely ridiculous it's just laughable.

I'm a simple girl - all I really want is a car that works, a little pocket money, an occasional night out (the local burger joint will do just fine) and a clean house.

In my head is a blank piece of parchment...

I haven't felt the urge to blog about anything lately. Sure - there's stuff going on but nothing I thought was blog worthy. So since I have nothing to write about I thought I would write about not writing.

The hell you say?

No joke. The way I see it, what I choose not to write about it is just as important as what I do write about.

You lost me...

Okay - how about this analogy. Blogging is like cyber burlesque. You want to show the audience just enough to keep it interesting (a little leg so to speak) without giving away all your secrets. It's a very tricky little dance. If my feathered fan drops just a little too far south then instead of "art" it becomes exhibitionism. Capeche? Not to mention if I give away too much personal information then it becomes an open invitation to all the crazies out there.... Not you...the other guy.

You don’t know jack about me
So anyway, here's what I'll do. I'll list 10 harmless but hopefully interesting things you don't know about me. Well, for those who know me in real life you might know this stuff already but then again you might be surprised. Here goes...

1. In high school, I was selected to go to Girl's State - campaigned and was elected Red County Coroner (strictly a ceremonial position).

2. I can recite The Jabberwocky entirely from memory.

3. In grade school, I was caught cheating on a quiz…a Bible quiz.... (...not proud of that one…)

4. Never did drugs but once took Vivarin at a speech meet and almost had an anxiety attack in the middle of my performance.

5. My favorite color is red.

6. The tips of my middle fingers (from the first knuckle forward) are a tad crooked. They curve ever so slightly outward. Never broke them, just made that way (I know…I’m a freak).

7. I can wiggle my ears.

8. I took several years of voice lessons – started off with show tunes and then my second voice coach had me sing classical Italian. He tried to have me sing French and German too but I kept singing them with the Italian pronunciation. (Go figure…)

9. Impressions – I can do a few: Yogi Bear, Ethel Merman and Edith Bunker (Not well but passable).

10. I still have my baby blanket. I gave it to darling daughter.

Well - I don't know how interesting that was. If you want, turn this into a meme and post your own 10 things people don't know about you.

Picture: Madame de Pompadour

Words to live by...

Darling daughter prattled off this little gem at dinner the other night. I don't think truer words have ever been spoken.

Sometimes your toot just needs to stay in your bottom.

- Darling Daughter