Road Trip – Day 2: Oh the drama!

As promised, here’s the rest of the story of our weekend in Decorah…

Darling daughter…always cute, sometimes adorable, has a sassy streak. And unfortunately for us, it made an appearance at the wedding and continued into the reception. But she wasn’t the only challenge we faced. Here are the highlights…

From the moment we walked into the reception, darling daughter wouldn’t listen to us, wouldn’t stay with us and wouldn’t behave.

While I was hanging up daughter's coat, the wrap I bought especially for the occasion to go with my dress snagged on the velcro on her hood (velcro and silk/chine do not mix). Fabric punkered - not a complete loss but still extremely irritating. Grrr!

Darling daughter kicked me in the arm when we were trying to settle her down in a chair for a time out. She gave me a good bruise and broke the skin on my arm.

This led to the second teachable moment of the day - this time with hubby taking darling daughter out to the truck. When they came back in, I had to take her to the ladies room and clean her up. She had a tiny scrape on her arm from getting in/out of the truck (oh the drama!).

Finally, all is right with the world again. Then as we are walking into the dining room to get a table, darling daughter’s beaded handle on her brand new purse broke and beads the size of marbles start rolling across the floor (more drama). We were able to gather them all up but I'm not sure how we can fix it just yet.

At this point, I'm about to throw in the towel - perhaps we're better off just going back to the hotel before the meteor or the plague of locusts hits, but like Hannibal crossing the Alps, we press on.

We pick a table. Darling daughter settles down and is much better (still not perfect but at this point anything would be an improvement). We survived dinner. Darling daughter had a good time during the free for all dancing session with the other kids and the bride.

With luck running against us, we called it an early evening and went back to the hotel for one last dip in the pool. I know – after an evening like that we were very brave to go anywhere near water but what can I say. We’re masochists.

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers - Idiot in aisle five

Did you hear the one about the Drake University student who spent 41 hours living in Wal-Mart?....If you're waiting for the punchline, there isn't one...no gag, no payoff...sorry, not even a rim shot. That's it - nada, zip, zero. The crickets would be chirping but they're all dead - death by boredom.

Living at Wal-Mart lands student on TV

When asked why he did it, Skyler Bartels said he didn't have an agenda. He's not anti-Wal-Mart, he just wanted to see if the store could provide for all his needs like the ads claim they do. His dad thought it was a great idea and offered to bankroll the "project," proving once again the idiot doesn't fall far from the tree. Coincidentally, his dad is currently residing in Bathroom Fixtures in Home Depot (yeah - I made that part up, so sue me).

I guess it's not as bad as the documentary Super Size Me - guy eats nothing but McDonalds for a month and what's the big surprise ending? He got fat! Duh!

So this schmuck wanders around the store for 41 hours, bought what few items he needed (glad to see he paid for the stuff) and tried to avoid detection by the Wal-Mart greeters. The big surprise ending here? Eventually store management caught on but before they could ask him to leave,...you'll never guess....wait for it....he left! Wow! What an edge-of-your-seat-pulse-pounding-never-saw-it-coming-totally-freakin'-mind-blow!!! Get M. Night Shyamalan on the phone!

I just don't get it...

Road Trip - Day 2: Little girl is naughty and mommy is mean

We’re safe and sound back home in Des Moines. I tried to post this in the hotel last night but figured out I needed a new password and I wasn’t about to run to the lobby at 10pm to get one.

The day started off lazily enough. Little girl needed some playtime else she would be intolerable during the wedding. We hopped in the truck and decided to take a drive around Luther College.

If you know anything about Luther College you know a drive “around” the college doesn’t take more than 2 minutes so then we had to think of something else to do. Little girl was begging for a walk so we parked the truck and walked around the little pond at the college and looked at a pair of geese. That took 10 more minutes, only 5 more hours to kill until the wedding.

On the way to the college, we passed a small park so we drove back there and let darling daughter run around for awhile. It was a bit chilly so we couldn’t really stand much more than 30 minutes but we killed enough time to make an early lunch.

Back in the truck for a trip to McDonald’s (why is it when you really need a McDonald's with a playland you can never find one?) and then back to the hotel for a little quiet time before we had to get dressed. Miracle of miracles occurred and darling daughter actual took a short nap. Finally, it was time to get dressed. Darling daughter looked especially cute in her new dress with matching hat and purse.

The wedding was in a beautiful old church – First Lutheran Church in Decorah. The high arched ceiling and walls were decorated in gold trim. The pipe organ was wonderful – a real floor shaker. Darling daughter was being reasonably good – fidgety but not horrible. And then the wedding started. The pastor had barely begun his sermon when little girl decided she needed to go potty. Okay - fine.

After a brief hunt for the potty, she did use the facilities but I was not amused. Lest anyone think I’m a mean mommy, let me just say the amount we are talking about would have barely filled a thimble so the urgency of the potty trip was slightly exaggerated.

We headed back to our seats and the pastor was just wrapping up his sermon. Now little girl really had ants in her pants. She wouldn’t sit still, she wouldn’t be quiet. The pastor began prayers. She kept pulling on my hands, hitting me, then sticking out her tongue and blowing raspberries. Finally, in a stage whisper she says to me, “You are not the bride!”

I’d had enough. I removed her to the back of the church and took her down of flight of stairs. And then the wonderful pipe organ started up again giving me just enough noise cover so darling daughter and I could have a “teachable moment.” (e.g. she hit me with her hat and purse a few times and I responded with a few quick swats to her bottom). Once a mutual understanding was reached, we went back into the sanctuary in time for dismissal. Not one of the more relaxing weddings I’ve been to.

As we were leaving, I had several people comment to me how cute darling daughter was so of course then I really felt like the big mean mommy. (…sigh…)

There is still a lot more to tell. We haven’t even gotten to the reception yet (wardrobe failures and a second teachable moment) but it will have to wait until later.

Road trip!

So here I am in Decorah, Iowa. We’re here to go to a wedding - one of hubby’s co-workers is getting married tomorrow. Hubby told me the hotel had free wireless internet so, what the heck, I decided to bring the lap top. I’ve never used my wireless card before. Very cool!

Decorah is the prettiest little town! We went to Mabe’s Restaurant for pizza – yummy! Drove past lots of cute little shops – Treasures and Trolls (or was that Trolls and Treasures), Hart's Tarts and Tea and numerous other nifty gifty boutiques – wish I had time for shopping! Maybe tomorrow…?

Darling daughter has been La Niña Diabla. Took her to the hotel pool to get rid of some of the ornery. We’ll see if it worked.

Well – more later!

The “T” stands for TOUGH!

We had a close call with Grandma T this week. She’s been battling pneumonia and we were wondering if she would be admitted to the hospital. She is starting to feel better. She’s over the pneumonia but still fighting a virus of some kind. Anything can happen but for right now she’s on the mend.

A little about Grandma T
Grandma T (darling hubby’s grandmother) is 92 and still going strong. She is a wonderful cook! She can make melt in your mouth pies from scratch and the most heavenly fried chicken.

Grandma T loves to sew and is very good at crafts and puzzles although they are becoming more difficult for her. She made Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls for darling daughter (wonderful keepsakes).

She is sweet as candy when she plays with her great grandchildren but if her own children step out of line watch-out! This gal doesn’t mince words. She is ornery and full of P and V if anyone ever was. This woman is one tough old bird – and I mean that as a 100% compliment.

My favorite Grandma T story is from a few years back. I was sitting at the kitchen table with darling mother-in-law (Grandma T’s daughter) and Grandma T. MIL happened to comment that it was her ex-husband’s birthday that day. I have never met darling husband's dad – he was voted off the island long before I arrived on the scene but from the stories I’ve been told it’s no great loss.

Anyway, so MIL remarks it’s her ex’s birthday and (jokingly), “Maybe I should send him a card?” To which Grandma T replies, “I would have sent him a card but they don’t make birthday cards that say, ‘Happy Birthday, (RHYMES WITH BRASS POLE)” I almost fell out of my chair.

Another good story – shortly after I married darling hubby I was talking with Grandma T and she was telling me about how when she lived on the farm she made 5 pies (from scratch) every day for the farm hands. Then she leans toward me and with a sly grin whispers, “Men like pies!” It was if in her mind, the secret to wedded bliss was simply the ability to make a good homemade pie – and I suppose there’s a certain amount of truth to that statement. Unfortunately, this is a skill I have yet to master (at least from scratch) but no complaints from hubby so I guess I’m in the clear…at least for now (whew!).

Grandma T does ruffle feathers and like everyone she has her faults. But I have never had any trouble with her – she seems to like me. So I’m glad she’s still with us and still able to share her “pie wisdom.” Only the Lord knows for how much longer we’ll have her but I’ll take as long as I can get.

Tip of the hat to Irene Ryan who played "Granny" on The Beverly Hillbillies. Grandma T looks a lot like her. Picture from Butlerwebs.com

Hot for teacher

Hot as in angry as in outraged as in furious!!! This case proves once and for all that it is only a crime for ugly men to have sex with children.

Charges dropped against Lefave

Maybe once everyone’s finished with the locker room jokes and crude remarks about how it’s every 14 year old male’s dream to bang their hot teacher we can focus on the fact that it was and still is statutory rape.

Ask yourself, would the outcome have been any different if the victim had been a young girl and the predator a male? Or better yet, an ugly male? I believe the answer is yes. Beauty trumps justice.

Just because society places a higher value on female virginity than male virginity does not make it right. The 14 year old in question was coerced into a sexual relationship by a female predator - a woman who was in a position of power as his teacher. His abuser walked today. Time will only tell what kind of psychological and emotional damage she inflicted on her victim.

Excuse me, did you say astronomy? Part II
Next time you are in the bathroom, Japanese astronomers want you to think of giant balls of gas burning billions of miles away.

Astronomical sales eyed for new toilet paper
Astronomical Toilet Paper (ATP) repeats text and illustrations of the evolution, life and death of a star every 70 centimeters along the paper.

If you can learn about astronomy in the bathroom, then why not something a little closer to home. Why not put excerpts from classic literature on the toilet paper too? Here are my suggestions on what books might make good bathroom reading.

One Hundred Years of Solitude
Waiting for Godot
A Room of One's Own
Great Expectations
The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?
Oh the Places You'll Go
Much Ado About Nothing
Lord of the Flies
Something Wicked this Way Comes
Fanny Hill
The Moor's Last Sigh
Cannery Row (cuz you're in the can...get it?)
...and finally, Moby Dick (all subtlety is lost with this one)

Photo By: Lawrence Cheuk, a student at St. Paul's School in Concord, New Hampshire, imaged the Rosette Nebula from the school's Hawley Observatory.

Excuse me, did you say astronomy?

When I first saw this, I thought it was a joke but it looks legit.

Astronomical sales eyed for new toilet paper

A team of graduate students at the National Astronomical Observatory of Japan in Mitaka, Tokyo, and staff from science museums across the country have developed a toilet roll featuring text and illustrations explaining the life of a star, in the hope the paper will stimulate the public's interest in astronomy. Astronomical Toilet Paper (ATP) repeats text and illustrations of the evolution, life and death of a star every 70 centimeters along the paper.

If that isn’t enough to grab your attention, check out the sales pitch.

"In your toilet we'd like you to feel the vastness of the universe and realize that men and the Earth exist as part of the universe," Masaaki Hiramatsu, a graduate student of Tokyo University.

Wow! Seems a bit much to expect from a trip to the bathroom...but then again... (insert your own Uranus joke here)

Look at me! I'm gambling!

Some folks have argued if Touch Play lottery machines are removed from grocery stores then candy should be removed as well since junk food can be just as addictive as gambling.

Sucker for Snickers

Umm...okay...let's indulge stupidity for a moment and debate that point.

Candy is not a controlled substance or part of a state regulated industry. Duh!

Gee - that didn't take long. Yes - I realize the letter-to-the-editor I referenced was written tongue-in-cheek but it's still a really stupid analogy and therefore worthy of ridicule.

What about beer and cigarettes? They are certainly controlled substances, are regulated by the state and sold in grocery stores.

Good point. Let’s discuss.

When you buy a 6-pack of beer you are not ushered into a roped off area within the store to drink it accompanied by flashing lights and sound effects that scream, "Look at me! I'm drinking BEER!" The same is true for cigarettes. You purchase your beer and you leave. You buy your cancer sticks and you leave. And as long as you don't drink your beer walking down the street or driving your car, or light up in a smoke free area nobody cares what you do. And that's how it used to be with lottery tickets until some dope decided to put Touch Play machines in grocery stores. With Touch Play machines, people don’t leave. The stand there and can play as long as their money holds out.

Cigarettes - when was the last time you saw a cigarette dispensing machine? Are you even old enough to remember seeing cigarette dispensing machines? And why don't we have cigarette dispensing machines any more (except for maybe in bars)? Because we couldn't effectively prevent minors from purchasing the cigarettes.

Can people still indulge their smokey treat habit? Why yes they can! They can go to any gas station or grocery store and walk up to the counter and choose from a variety of tobacco products, assuming they can prove they are of legal age.

Did businesses lose money when they had to remove their cigarette dispensing machines? Maybe, maybe not. The loss was at most minimal since stores can still sell cigarettes over the counter.

Touch Play machines have barely been in service a year. It's not like they've been making money hand over fist for the last 10 years. If you take the machines out, businesses will still be able to sell lottery tickets. A simple solution is if the machines are banned the businesses could write the cost of the machines off as a business loss on their state taxes.

If the Iowa Legislature bans Touch Play machines, it just means you have to go to the customer service counter to buy your lottery ticket just like you would cigarettes. Remember - the decision being made isn't to ban the lottery, it's essentially to regulate the distribution of lottery tickets.

UPDATE: Vilsack says he'll sign TouchPlay ban next week
Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth commence.

Mourning Mondo’s

Mondo’s, popular West Des Moines restaurant, is revamping and totally changing their look. Good-bye Mondo’s, hello Joseph’s Steak House. I thought Mondo’s was doing well so I have no idea why the owner has decided to make the change.

Mondo’s has always been a favorite place for lunch or dinner - a great place to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, new jobs or big promotions and the occasional (not nearly frequent enough) “date night.” But best of all they had a Sunday brunch that was guaranteed to put you in a food coma for the rest of the day.

Sunday brunch at Mondo’s was also a traditional meeting place for Drake Relays weekend. Anyone coming in from out of town knew there would be a group meeting there for brunch.

But the new concept for the restaurant does not include brunch. I’m told the restaurant will only be serving dinners. Next Sunday will mark the end of Sunday brunches for Mondo’s.

We decided to pay our respects this Sunday in the only way we knew how – by eating ourselves silly.

• Chicken marsala
• Roast beef
• Pork loin
• Rotisserie chicken
• Garlic mash potatoes
• Salmon eggs benedict (regular eggs benedict for the purests)
• Home made waffles with whipped cream and maple syrup
• Made to order omelets
• Bread pudding with raspberry sauce
• Key lime pie
• Apricot cheese cake
• Decadent chocolate brownies with cream cheese icing

We’re spending the afternoon enjoying our food coma and watching basketball. Drake Relays is the end of April. The gang needs a new brunch place.

http://www.mondos.net/westdesmoines_default.htm

SNORT!

Here is a picture of an Iowa Department of Natural Resources (DNR) staffer demonstrating a scentometer – I kid you not! The DNR uses this device to measure “stink” coming from hog confinements and livestock pens.

Here’s the entire article if you really want to read about it.

Odor-smellers say livestock isn't so stinky

I thought it would be more fun to make up funny captions. I’ve given you three to get you started. Feel free to add to my list!

1. Bob was always willing to try anything once and unfortunately for Bob his “friends” knew this about him as well.

2. Using his uniquely adapted appendage, the mighty Nose-asaurus-Rex calls to his mate.

3. Now natural male enhancement is only a sniff away!

Three things that really tork me off

1. When you go to grab some toilet paper and it comes out of the dispenser in little shredded confetti pieces.

2. Stupid instructions on common everyday household items - on my Peach Mango shower gel - This is not food. Do not eat. "Mmmrrrph!?!? (gulp) Oh crap!"

3. And this guy,…

When a dollar starts out with the poor, it circulates to the grocery store, auto dealership, etc. A dollar held by the rich does very little good.

- Stuart Allspach, Baxter, Iowa

Circulating money makes for healthy economy

He’s absolutely right - because as everyone knows rich people do not eat food. Their wealth has allowed them to harness the rays of the sun for photosynthesis. That's why you see their glistening brown bodies lying on the beach all the time; they're not tanning, they’re feeding on the wholesome goodness of sunlight. The money they save they stuff in their mattresses.

Not only is this guy’s statement ridiculous it also smacks of class warfare, which is the thing that irritates me the most. Rich people “circulate” money just as much as poor people, more so because of the simple fact they have more of it. They also invest their money which is good for everybody.

You don’t like rich people? And who exactly would that be? Anyone who has more money than you? Newsflash – there will always be at least one person who has more money than you. And there will always be people who have less money than you and those people might even consider you rich.

Eat the rich? Okay – and then what? Do you put a cap on how much people can earn? That won’t eliminate need or want or envy. All it does is lower everyone’s standard of living until we’re all equally miserable.

Feelin’ a little flush? Potty training survival tip


I typed this up recently for Nancy Dancehall – she’s potty training her twin boys. As a public service, I thought I would post my one super-dooper, potty training survival trick.

How to Remove Poo from Child's Underwear
You will need child's cooperation so get child involved by saying, "Mommy's going to show you a really neat trick but I need your help!"

1. Gingerly remove the child's outer pants. Be careful NOT to remove underwear or disturb contents.
2. Stand child up on the potty seat so that he/she is facing you. Child's bottom should be directly over the open potty.
3. Tell child to place his/her hands on your shoulders for balance (they will need to support themselves slightly)
4. Carefully roll down the back of the child's underwear to expose contents (for best results, contents should not be smashed).
5. At this stage, the poo should begin to loosen from underwear. Before performing next step, ask child to count down with you "3...2...1...0"
6. Once you reach "0" yell, "Bombs away!" and carefully flip poo out of underwear allowing it to drop into open potty below. Be careful not to flip too hard else you will miss open potty. Finish removing underware from child (clean child as usual).

WARNING: The following steps must only be performed AFTER you have removed underwear from child!

7. If underwear has not completely emptied, hold tightly onto them with one finger and vigorously dunk them repeatedly into potty water. If this still does not dislodge remaining poo, there is a final option.
8. Grasping the underwear tightly with one finger, dunk into potty and flush. DO NOT LET GO OF UNDERWEAR! Repeat if necessary. Rushing water will remove remaining poo.
9. Wash underwear as usual.

Like most things, this technique requires patience and practice so do not be discouraged if your maiden poo flip does not go according to plan. Good luck!!!

Grief is like a hangover...

...an emotional hangover, at least it is for me. All I want to do is sleep it off. That’s what I’ve been doing all week. I finally feel like the haze is lifting.

Coping mechanisms – everybody has them. I make jokes...that's how I know I'm getting back on my feet but I have to watch what I say because not everyone deals with this kind of stuff in the same way. I wouldn't want someone to think I'm being insensitive or that I don't care. So I bite my tongue, I swallow the punch line, I suppress the sarcasm. My friend would have laughed but he's not here any more...

They brought in a grief counselor for us at work to help us cope. I've never had any experience with grief counseling. I didn't think I really needed it but I went to the group session to show support for my co-workers.

From my observations, grief counseling is basically a bunch of sad people sitting in a room with a grief counselor telling us it's okay to be sad and anything else we might be feeling is absolutely normal. You can tell who the counselor is because he looks sad but he is the only one not crying. Obviously, there's more to it than that but you get the idea...

I was kind of hoping for puppets but they didn't have any and that made me sad. They did have pamphlets - puppets would have been cooler (there's that coping mechanism I told you about).

Still no hard core information on why my friend died, "lung failure due to an unknown cancer..."; doesn't really do it for me. Maybe it doesn't matter but I would really like to know why but it seems morbid to ask.

I went to the visitation Thursday night and the funeral on Friday morning. It was a very nice service – lots of tears but still very nice and comforting. My friend and I went to the same church. Pastor R is great – when you listen to one of his sermons it’s like you’re the only one in the room and he’s talking right to you. I always feel better after the funeral.

I finally feel like I’m getting back on my feet with the exception of this head cold I came down with on Thursday. Spiked a fever last night and darling husband is out of town till Sunday. Darling daughter will have to be self entertaining today – so far so good, thank heavens for the VCR and our Disney movie collection.

Enough with sadness - I’m going to shed it like an old winter coat. The sun is out and I hear spring knocking at the door.

Sorry for all the downer posts – if you need a good laugh, I know I do, check out the new link under Funny Stuff – The Gallery of Regrettable Food - guaranteed laugh-out-loud-roll-on-the-floor funny.

The picture is one of the freebie things that was pre-loaded on my computer.