Happy New Year!

Leave it to the guys at Jib Jab to do another hilarious and awesome year in review. Check it out!

We're home tonight. We made our traditional cheese fondue - yum! Tomorrow we have more goodies for our New Year's Day nosh.

Happy New Year to all!!!!

What did you do today?

Today I explained the entire democratic process to my five year old Darling Daughter using hand puppets.

It was quite good if I do say so myself. It didn't start out as a puppet show but one question from Daughter led to another until it just kind of went that way.

Here's a snippet of our conversation:

DARLING DAUGHTER: What's a campaign?

DMG: It's what people do when they want to be president. They talk and talk and "blah blah blah, my ideas are best blah blah blah, vote for me, blah blah blah...."

DARLING DAUGHTER: And it's very boring...

DMG: It can be. But then they have a debate!

DARLING DAUGHTER: What's that?

DMG: That's when the people who want to be president talk to each other and fight! "Blah blah blah my ideas are best! No mine are! You shut up! You're a poopy head! Blah blah blah blah blah!!!!" It can be very exciting!

DARLING DAUGHTER: (delightful laughter) Do it again!!!

Things got sillier from that point on but in hindsight I don't think I was too far off the mark.

Five more days until the Iowa Caucus.

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:PereDuchesneIllustre6_1_0.png

Christmas ralph

In this instance I really wish "ralph" was a person...but alas....

Don't you just love the sounds of the Christmas season?

All those old favorite hymns and Christmas classics...
A crackling fire...
The soft patter of snow falling...
The brisk winter wind through the trees...
The loud and unexpected sound of a wretching child barfing in their bed at 4am...

Yes. Barfing. 4am. Christmas morning. Yippee... All was not silent, calm or bright at the DMG household.

Oh you better watch out...you better not cry...you better not pout I'm telling you why...Barfy Claus is coming to town...

This dovetailed every so nicely into our next challenge: How to keep the barf bucket close without actually getting it into any of the Christmas morning pictures.

...Sigh...

Have a very barfy Christmas and in case you didn't hear, oh by golly have a very barfy Christmas this year!

"Mommy! Look what Santa brought me!" MMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

But the fun didn't end with Darling Daughter. Oh no - we bookended our day-of-barf with Baby Boy barfing not once, but twice. I was holding him both times.

Frosty the Barf Man was a very barfy soul...

Thankfully Hubby and I have remained "barf-free" ourselves. Having now typed that sentence I've most likely doomed us to experiencing the technacolor yawn before midnight.

Sleighbells ring, are you listening? In the lane, barf is glistening. A beautiful sight, it's barfy tonight...walking in a barfy wonderland...

Have I used the word "barf" in this post enough yet? I don't think so...

Barf! Barf! Barf! Barf! Barf! Barf! Barf!

There - I think that's enough now.

PS - I wrote this yesterday and would have posted earlier but I was up last night (all night) with Baby Boy trying to break his fever. He's doing okay but I feel like death on a hot plate.

Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men

Hark the herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled"

Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With the angelic host proclaim:
"Christ is born in Bethlehem"
Hark! The herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!"

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Lorenzo_Lotto_017.jpg

Merry Christmas!

I’m going to be pretty busy the next few days but I wanted to wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas!

Before I sign off to get back to my last minute Christmas cards and wrapping, here is a repost of my very own and original, DMG-approved Holiday Disclaimer. It’s for those of us who are tired of all the needless PC hand wringing and social angst this season can sometimes bring.

I know I've posted this before and I could just link to it but where's the fun in that? Use it in good health!

Have an all inclusive, non-offensive, tolerant winter experience not associated with any one religion (personal belief system, convictions, or creed) or ethnic background (race or geographical) or socioeconomic group; under no circumstances should you feel forced or obligated to exhibit feelings contrary to your current condition if you are overwhelmed by the unhappiness of others or are experiencing anxiety due to current world events or personal instability and wish to remain in an unaltered emotional state as it is more in keeping with your natural existence or if you are making a political or social statement; please forgive me if you find this unsolicited proclamation oppressive or insensitive in any way as it was not intended as such.

May this time of year also be free of the blatant exploitation of arctic wildlife (endangered or otherwise) and may we see the liberation of enslaved animals forced to live with or near their human oppressors. May you avoid commercialism and the over consumption of material goods and foodstuffs in the next calendar year.

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Godey%27streeDec1850.GIF

Christmas meme

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I prefer wrapping paper but I save all the good gift bags just in case I run out of boxes or paper.

2. Tree - Real or Artificial? Artificial-for now. We keep saying we’re going to get a real tree one of these years.

3. When do you put the Christmas tree up? Thanksgiving weekend. It’s a Hubby thing. He wants Christmas up before he heads back to work.

4. When do you take the tree down? New Years Day

5. Like Egg Nog? Not crazy about it but I take a sip or two during the season.

6. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes!

7. Favorite gift received as a child? Too many favorites to list. I remember wanting a “Sit and Spin” so badly one year that’s all I asked for. My parents kept telling me Santa may not be able to bring one so I should ask for other things too. I kept telling them, “I know Santa will bring me one!” Sure enough, Christmas morning there was a Sit and Spin under the tree. I told my parents, “SEE! I TOLD you Santa would bring me one.” My parents just smiled. :-)

8. Hardest person to buy for? My Hubby’s grandmother – she’ll be 94 in January.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Hubby – he tells me exactly what he wants, complete with pictures and websites to order the gifts from. However, he is impossible to surprise.

10. Worst Christmas gift? I’ll never admit it!

11. Mail or email a Christmas Card? Mail.

12. Favorite Christmas movie? White Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Later than we should.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Does Goodwill count?

15. Favorite food to eat on Christmas? Everything!

16. Clear or colored tree lights? Colored

17. Favorite Christmas Song? Love them all!

18. Travel during Christmas or stay home? As long as we are doing the Santa gig, we will be home asleep in our own beds for Christmas.

19. Can you name Santa’s reindeer’s? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive! (Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names… HA!)

20. Angel or Star on tree top? Neither – we bought an angel for our tree but she was too heavy. We haven’t shopped for another one yet.

21. Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Day

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? How people try to take “Christmas” out of the Christmas season.

HT: Indiana Jane

The Grinch

I'm taking a poll - Is it just me? I always giggle when I read "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" to Darling Daughter when I get to this line.

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.

UPDATED: Right-to-carry vs. gun free zones

For more on this topic, read this post from Conblogeration.

Maybe I'm making this too simplistic but in light of the Virginia Tech and the Colorado church shootings, I'd like to make an observation:

At Virginia Tech, students and faculty who had a license to carry guns were not allowed to have their fire arms with them on campus. The Virginia Tech shooter was able to take his time gunning his victims down and no one was able to offer any resistance.

Death count: 32

The security guard at New Life Church had a license to carry and was helping to provide security during Sunday's worship service. She confronted the shooter and stopped his rampage.

Death count: 2

Conclusion? Criminals will do what criminals do best - break the law regardless of what laws you pass. If you take the rights of law abiding citizens away (gun ownership and right-to-carry), then only the criminals will have guns.

You wanna wait for the police? Be my guest.

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Bill_of_Rights_Pg1of1_AC.jpg

Ice storm

Schools are closed and I'm home with Baby Boy and Darling Daughter. The whole city is a giant skating rink. Trying to keep an eye on work e-mail from home. I have a conference call at noon but nothing pressing to worry about which is nice.

Des Moines IA Web CamDowntown

Today's Agenda: Sweat pants, hot chocolate and Christmas movies.

I can't explain it but it's durn funny!

You have to see this one for yourself!

In the wee hours of the morning

Have you ever noticed how a perfectly rational and legitimate question during the day can garner an angry and irrational response at 3 a.m.?

Exhibit A
Baby boy gave me a hard time last night. He would nurse on one side and then fall asleep (I kept dozing off too). I would offer him "seconds" but since he was asleep he wasn't interested so I would tip toe him back into his crib. Within an hour or at most two, he would wake up crying wanting to eat again because he was shorted on his night noshing. For awhile there it seemed like we had a Bataan Death March thing going on.

So at 3:45am when he woke up again after 45 minutes of being in his own crib, Hubby woke up and asked, "When was the last time he ate?" I blew a little crazy.

DMG: I don't know but it doesn't matter! He's been eating all night! I've been feeding him and walking him back and forth to his crib every two hours!

I thankfully did not add, "...Didn't you hear him? Oh wait! That's right, you were sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeping!!!!"

I probably don't need to tell you what Hubby's response was.

Strung out
I apologized for snapping but in my defense my fiddle string is strung a little tight these days. Lack of sleep will do that to you. And nothing against Hubby (he does plenty around the house and with the kids) but when it comes to night time duty I get the lion's share.

We are still nursing so that's the biggest obstacle but there are other things I've noticed. Hubby (and maybe it's men in general) does not seem as disturbed by the sound of a crying baby as I am. Meaning, his response time is a little slower than mine.

There have been times when I've been busy with something and I've heard Baby Boy start to cry. I think, "Hubby will get him because he's in the same room with Baby Boy." But the crying goes on...it intensifies...and then I start thinking, "Pick him up already!!!!" I've even hollered into the next room with a suggestion, "I think he wants to be cuddled Daddy!" Hubby finally does go to him to see what the trouble is and pick him up but I'm left with the single thought - how can he stand it!

Hubby thinks I jump up to soon - that we should let Baby Boy cry it out a little. I explain that it is not a matter of choice. My DNA is programed to respond. I can only sit for so long and then I HAVE to get up! It's like my brain is on fire and I can't concentrate.

I can't change mother nature so I guess I'm stuck with night duty for now. I'll have to talk to Hubby about appropriate 3 a.m. questions:

BAD: When did he eat last?"
GOOD: How about I make him a bottle so you can get some sleep?

Iowa + Winter = Snow

Big snow today - first of the season. We had about 3 - 4 inches on the ground. More snow is predicted on Saturday.

If you want to check out my wintery wonderland, try these web cams:

Des Moines IA Web CamAirport Tower

Des Moines IA Web CamDowntown

East Des Moines IA Web Cam

West Des Moines IA Web Cam

Thanks for nothin'

A couple weeks ago, Darling Daughter brought home a Thanksgiving hat she made at school. It is very cute! It looks like a turkey with three large feathers for a tail in the back. But it wasn't until tonight that I took a reeeally good look at it.

On each of the feathers she had written something she is thankful for:

1. The first feather said, "Jesus" (very nice! made me proud!)

2. The second feather said, "Daddy" (again, heartwarming!)

3. The third feather said, "My T.V." (....uh-huh...)

Does anyone else notice something here? What happened to Mommy? Jesus I can understand but do I really rank lower than the T.V.? :-P

I'm going to remind her of this moment when she decides she wants ice sculptures at her wedding. "Well, darling, maybe the T.V. will buy them for you!" ;-)

Burned out on turkey?

Try a helping of lime jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise. Here are the last of the leftovers from the fridge.

Thanksgiving with the walking wounded
We had a very nice visit with my parents in Minnesota. Thanksgiving went smoothly – no family rock fights – which is good but doesn’t give much inspiration for blogging.

The only thing of interest is my family seems to be under some kind of “boo boo” curse. Back in June, my Uncle fell off his trailer while loading his Harley. His bike started to tip over and he had to bail…but unfortunately he didn’t bounce. Broke his clavicle and had to have surgery. For you Harley enthusiasts, don’t worry. I think the bike is fine.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving my Dad fell down the garage steps, hyper extended his knee and tore his quad. Yes – another surgery. I jokingly told him I’m sure there’s a 12-step program somewhere that could teach him how to walk up and down stairs. (hardy-har)

And finally, the Sunday before Thanksgiving my sister had a retinal tear and had to have…surgery. Earlier in the year she had to have cataract surgery on the same eye. She’s a bit young for this sort of thing – only 37.

All are recovering nicely but I’m really hoping, if injuries come in threes (kind of like celebrity deaths come in threes), we are done for awhile. Heaven help us if we start on the next batch of three.

Catching my breath
It’s been a busy busy week and we’re not even into the full swing of the Christmas season yet. Tuesday night my clown group had our holiday party; Wednesday Hubby had his last class of the semester; Thursday Hubby took me to a lecture about the Iowa caucus (he’s such a romantic!) and Friday Hubby had to go to a holiday dinner for work.

Tonight is my work holiday party. We’re hoping to be able to make it but Mr. Snow Miser has blessed us with a Dec. 1 ice storm. I think it’s letting up so it's possible we’ll be able to go. It mostly depends on if mother-in-law can drive over for babysitting duty. The woman has a hard time keeping her car “between the ditches” in good weather.

Last but not least…
Do you get e-mails at work where people abbreviate the phrase "follow up" like this - f/u or F/U? Maybe it's just me but it always makes me snigger when I get an e-mail with the subject line "F/U after meeting" :-O Just an observation...


Picture: http://www.swankola.com/md/jello/jell01.html

How cool is this?

A couple weeks ago, I was contacted by another Des Moines area blogger at DMweblife who asked if she could do a short bio on me. I was pleasantly surprised! I'm always surprised when someone reads my blog. Six easy questions and a picture later and presto! I'm pseudo famous!

It's a short read but I do reveal the name of my clown. Intrigued? Here's the link! http://www.dmweblife.com/2007/11/19/fivequestions-cookie/

Check out her other posts too! She writes about Des Moines area current events. I also really like her Link Round Up feature where she keeps tabs on what's hot in the Des Moines area blogosphere.

Gobble gobble!
The DMG crew is hitting the road to visit my folks in Minnesota for turkey day. Family gatherings are always good blogging fodder so stay tuned!

Happy Thanksgiving ya'll!

I'm rubber and you're glue...

One word and you'll get yours at recess!

So much for all those AP English classes.

HT: The Rebellious Pastor's Wife and My Utopia

Sausage

I'm a "hired pen" - I write for other people. I take their words and objectives and craft/cobble/paste together a cohesive message to help them acheive the desired result.

Sometimes when you write for other people, it's a lot like making sausage - you don't really want to know how it's made. At least I'm getting the job done.

Creativity? Feh!

Cram it, ram it, pack it and ship it.

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Kielbasas.jpg

Poo for brains

My baby changing adventure during a recent unnamed sporting event at an unnamed sports complex.

I walked out of the women’s restroom disgusted – no baby changing station. I looked around for a quiet out of the way spot. I really didn’t want to change Baby Boy on the cement floor.

In an empty corridor, I found a coat check counter that wasn’t being used. The metal window was shut and no one was around. The ledge was narrow but it came up a little higher than my waist. Not bad for a makeshift changing table.

The diaper change was quick and easy – no surprises (no poo). I used Baby Boy's winter snuggly as padding so his little bottom never touched the counter. I had just finished snapping his onesie shut when I heard a voice behind me.

EVENT STAFFER: Well, this is a first.

I turned and looked up. A tall and lanky 20-something (obviously a work study student) was looking down at me.

EVENT STAFFER: Did you know it’s against state health codes to change a baby outside of a bathroom?

Translation: I am drunk with power because I have a shirt that says "Event Staff."

I flashed him my best smile and responded cheerfully without a hint of sarcasm (unusual for me).

DMG: Did you know there aren’t any baby changing stations in the bathrooms?

Translation: Look, poo for brains. If you had a stinkin’ baby station in the bathroom, I wouldn’t be out here using this ledge. So why don’t you make yourself useful and go ask your boss where I should change my kid. And while you’re at it, ask him where babies come from cuz from the looks of you I’m not sure you know.

The guy must not have been expecting me to push back cuz afterall, he had a very impressive event staff shirt.

EVENT STAFFER: (shuffling feet) Oh…uh…

After an awkward silence, I put him out of his misery.

DMG: (still cheerful) Well, I'm done so…how about I just remember not to do it for next time?

I must have really knocked him back on his heels because he never responded. He just smiled weakly and wandered off somewhere. I finished buttoning up Baby Boy and we went back to our seats. Sheesh!

So I wanna know from all the mommies out there when you’ve been without the proper baby changing facilities, what do you do? Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever had to perform “diaper duty?”

My mom said she once had to change me on a luggage rack in the airport because customs wouldn't let the passengers leave the holding area.

Who do you love?

DMG loves Hubby! Nine years today and counting.

Happy Anniversary, Hubby!

Following my own golden compass

I've made the decision not to go see the movie The Golden Compass or read any of Philip Pullman’s dark materials trilogy (The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass).

Why you ask? Pullman, a devote atheist, has written his trilogy as the atheist’s answer to the Chronicles of Narnia. The themes in his books are very anti-Christian/anti-Catholic and not in a subtle read-between-the-lines kind of way but in a blatant-in-your-face-you-don’t-even-have-to-have-a-background-in-literary-analysis kind of way.

Blog Reader: But DMG! Maybe you should read the book for yourself before you form an opinion?

Good point. And normally, that is the course I would choose. When I first started hearing about the series and the controversy, I did a little digging and read a plot summary of the books. The Golden Compass is relatively tame (I hear the movie is even more so) but The Amber Spyglass goes way over the line. The plot summaries were enough for me to form an opinion. If you would like to read a summary, go to http://www.sparknotes.com/ and search for the books.

Blog Reader: But DMG! You are a hypocrite! You read the Harry Potter series! Why can’t you give this series a chance?

Another good point. While the Harry Potter series is not what I would classify as Christian, it is not as decidedly anti-Christian that Pullman’s books are.

On a side note, I am not happy about the fact that Rowling decided to “out” Dumbledore as a homosexual. There is nothing in the Harry Potter series that hints about Dumbledore’s sexual orientation; it is not central to any of the storylines or subplots. In other words, there is nothing that would suggest Dumbledore was buggering Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest (that's sarcasm - I'm not trying to start any rumors about Hagrid). I’m not entirely certain what her motives were unless she just felt the need to get her activist card punched. Of course, now that Rowling has made her announcement, critics will probably discover clues in the books that suggest her intention – hindsight is funny that way.

I won’t picket the movie or demand the books be pulled from library shelves. That just isn’t my bag. The lesson here is do your own research. Make an informed decision and decide for yourself and your family what you choose to watch or read.

This isn’t the first time I’ve “chosen” not to go see a movie or read a book: Wild horses and gay cowboys couldn’t drag me to this movie

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Kompas_Sofia.JPG

Sleepless wonder

Baby Boy is officially three months old! A fairly important milestone! It is also important because it means I haven't had a solid-no-interruptions-longer-than-four-maybe-five-hours nights sleep in three months!!! (longer if you count my not sleeping while pregnant).

I guess I have a pretty good excuse for being so....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............Huh?!?!? What?!?!?....tired.

I'm Super Mommy! I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never never...never...let you....forget....zzzzzzzzzzz........huh?!?!? What?!?!?... What were we talking about? Oh yeah!

CUZ I'M A WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention when I'm tired I get a little slap happy?

You know you're a mom (parent) when...

1. You walk out of McDonald's with a pair of poopy underwear in your pocket.

2. You have hidden from your child in order to eat something.

3. All your funniest stories involve bodily functions.

4. You have a million things on your to-do list and none of them are things for you.

5. Being puked on, peed on or pooped on is no longer a major event.

6. Every day is a new adventure in, "What have I forgotten to do?"

7. All you want for Christmas is a sensory deprivation chamber.

8. It doesn't feel weird to walk into K-Mart and only buy a box of brownie mix and breast shields.

Seven true things about me

Barb the Evil Genius tagged me with a meme so here goes nothing!


1. My clown is officially one year old; no longer a rookie but far from being a master clown.


2. Love to try new food and will eat almost anything once. Sauerkraut, however, is verboten - can't get past the smell.


3. Lived on the island of Guam for two years while my dad was in the Navy. Too young to remember.


4. Like,...I was in a sorority in college. And like,...it was really fun and stuff!


5. I think this joke is really funny - "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?.....PRACTICE!!!"


6. I can't add in my head. Math makes my brain hurt.


7. My driver's license says I'm 5'4" but I'm really only 5' 3 and 3/4" (shhhh! don't tell!)



Not sure who I can tag who hasn’t been tagged already. Yo Nancy! Help me out here!

Can I get one without the giant pinchers?

So now researchers are predicting by the year 2050 humans will be having sex with robots.

Forecast: Sex and marriage with robots by 2050

Who are these people and do they really get paid to make these “predictions?”
If I predict that by the year 2525 humans will be able to whistle the Star Spangled Banner out of their butts, will you give me $1,000 now?

But back to this robot sex thing. I would like to know what these sex robots are going to look like. Cuz if they are going to look like the robot from Lost in Space then I’ll pass….but on the other hand if they look like Data from Star Trek Next Generation then Mmrrrrrrrrroooow! He is “fully functional” after all. Okay so maybe that was more than you wanted to know about me.

Moving on…to robot pick up lines!!!!
So let’s have a contest. Send me your best robot pick up lines and I’ll post them! Here are mine!

1. Are your feet tired cuz you’ve been running through my hard drive all night!

2. Do you compute here often?

Picture: http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/brainiac/Lost_In_Space_robot_body_1_2_2004.jpg

Gore-gasm

Everyone else seems to be having one. Pardon me if I pass. Could someone please explain to me how Al Gore’s brand of environmentalism qualifies him to receive the Nobel Peace Prize?

I think Senator McCain made a very good point on this subject while he was in Davenport, Iowa.

Afflicted monks should have won Nobel, McCain says
McCain congratulated Gore but also said, "I would have liked to see that prize go to the Buddhist monks who are suffering and dying in Burma," referring to a continuing struggle between military rulers in Myanmar and protesters, led by monks, seeking democracy.

Monks versus bunk
So how did McCain come to form his opinion? Let’s review.

1. Defenseless monks marching in the streets for democracy and losing their lives for their cause.

Versus

2. An overrated ex-politician turned environmentalist who uses air polluting private jets and gas guzzling SUVs to travel around lecturing people on the size of their carbon footprint while he buys carbon offsets.

Hmmm…Gotta go with the monks on this one.

Picture: http://www.drudgereport.com/

Punchline!

Can you think of a punchline for this set up?

My dog ate my iPod.

Here's mine.

He's been downloading songs all day.

*rimshot!*

As a clown gag...

My dog ate my iPod. Now it's an iPoo.
(hold up fake doggie doo with ear buds coming out of it.)

Poo humor. HA!!! :-)

I will survive...

Today was my third day back on the job post maternity leave. Wednesday was rough. I said good-bye to Baby Boy's sweet little face at the sitter's house. Maybe it was best he was asleep. My short commute to work was very depressing. I was teary-eyed off and off through the morning. Yesterday and today have been better.

Reality bites
I'm still not happy about it. I still wish I had a magic wand to change things but...as I keep telling myself...it is what it is so until Tinker Bell shows up with her pixie dust I will just have to accept it. The one nice thing is my co-workers have been very understanding and are keeping my work load light until I'm on even keel again.

I keep hearing about these new moms who go back to work for a few weeks and then up and decide corporate life is not for them. They quit their jobs and blissfully become stay-at-home moms without so much as a backward glance. I'm jealous - I'm jealous of their ability to make that choice, to have that option. I'm sure it's a difficult decision...but they still get to choose.

In other news...

Thieves Steal $44G in Corsets, Erotic Costumes
ORANGE, Calif. — Thieves have twice raided an Orange County store that specializes in corsets and other costumes, making off with an estimated $44,000 in exotic outfits. Jeanette Zinkan, a 69-year-old great grandmother who goes by the name "Miss Antoinette," owns Versatile Fashions, and designs most of the store's merchandise herself.

Hmmm....my grandma used to knit sweaters.... :-O

Lump in my throat

Today is my last day of maternity leave - I head back to work tomorrow. Baby Boy will be staying with the same sitter we used when my daughter was little. We visited with her last week.

Not sure how this is going to go. Not sure how I am going to cope.

Clown looking for a place to be funny

Just got back from my weekend clown seminar - exhausted but still smiling! I had a great time! My funny powers have been rejuvenated not to mention my clowning spirit.

I can’t wait to slap on the grease paint and clown around. My clown hasn’t been out for a joy ride since May.

Anybody need a clown?

Empty calories for your head - Lime jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise

It’s been a loooooooooooooong time since I whipped up one of these. Enjoy!

The “C” word
I’m talking about clowning! I haven’t donned the grease paint since May for the March of Dimes Walk but I’m hoping to change that soon. I don’t have any clowning dates on the calendar yet but I will be attending a 2-day clowning seminar this weekend.

Hubby is working all weekend so at first I wasn’t sure about the child care situation. As it turns out the hotel where the seminar is being held is literally walking distance from my mother-in-law’s condo. She very generously offered to have all three of us (me, Darling Daughter and Baby Boy) stay overnight with her Friday and Saturday. She will watch the kids for me while I’m at the seminar.

The only thing left to do is plan some breaks during the day so I can nurse Baby Boy.

Got milk?
Speaking of nursing…I’ve been storing up milk in the freezer like a mad milk maid so I have a stockpile for when I go back to work. I had some production trouble when I was nursing Darling Daughter (my cup did not runneth over) so I’m hoping I’ll have better results this time. I love the nursing but hate the pumping – too sciency! The sacrifices we make for our children!!!

Church photo time!
We are getting our church directory picture taken tomorrow night! This is a big deal. Our church doesn’t do a new directory very often – about once every four years. Since Baby Boy didn’t arrive until late July, we were worried we wouldn’t be able to have him in the picture. We put it off as long as we could and managed to score one of the last available slots. Sometimes things do work out perfectly!

Count down
This is my last full week of maternity leave. I go back to work on Oct. 3. No – I’m not ready. The paycheck is nice but I really have been very happy staying home.

I need to call the babysitter to see when I can bring Baby Boy over for a visit this week. She is the same sitter we used when Darling Daughter was little so that makes it easier. I’m going to miss the extra cuddle time in the mornings. Life is about to get exceedingly more complicated.

Picture: http://www.swankola.com/md/jello/jell01.html

Happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Avast ye land lubbers! It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Bring me one noggin of rum, now, won't you, matey. Arrrg!

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Pyle_pirates_treasfight.jpg

Polkarama dance party!!!!

I didn’t exactly forget – I just couldn’t decide what to post to celebrate my 2nd Blog-o-versary! Yup – hard to believe I’ve been doing this for two years. Even harder to believe people keep coming back to read what I post.

Anyhoo – the official anniversary was yesterday but the celebration is today! Help me celebrate by clicking on the video below and joining my polka dance party! Wherever you are, just get up and dance and have fun!

Warning: Video contains a few scantily clad women doing suggestive dance moves but they’re dancing to polka music so how offensive could it really be? Unless you’re offended by polka music….




Maybe it's just me but I think Weird Al is not only hilarious but a genius too.

Phrase of the day

“To blow crazy…”: (VERB) To have a sudden release of pent up emotion. Episode is usually public (e.g. holiday gatherings or family functions such as reunions, weddings, birthday parties…etc…).

Friends and family are initially shocked and confused as they were unaware of the strong emotions lurking just below the surface. Their surprise quickly turns to embarrassment and then to amusement as the “blower” becomes more dramatic and irrational. Episode is usually triggered by a trivial complaint.

“After Aunt Marge criticized her Jello mold, Mary blew crazy all over everyone and left the picnic.”

For more info, see video… (language warning)

Monsters under the bed

It’s 3:30am and I am awakened by the soft patter of feet. I am a notoriously light sleeper since becoming a mom. I half open one eye and see a small silhouette in our bedroom door. I lift my head.

DARLING DAUGHTER: I had a bad dream.

I motion her to come in and she quickly runs and jumps onto our bed carrying her favorite blankie and teddy bear. She snuggles between us under the covers and I give her a hug and tell her, “It was just a dream. We’re all right here.” Within a few minutes she’s asleep again, safely tucked between mommy and daddy.

As parents, we chase monsters out from under the bed, shoo ghosts from the closet and hug and kiss away nightmares. We soothe childhood fears. We are the protectors. But not all monsters are imaginary.

On 9/11, I was pregnant with darling daughter although I didn’t know it at the time. Watching the news was like watching a horror movie except the movie didn’t end, the monsters were real and the unimaginable was really happening.

A lot has changed in six years. I now have two children. Some day I will sit down with them and tell them the story of 9/11. I will tell them where I was and what I was doing that day. I will try to explain what I was thinking and feeling and what it was like those first few weeks adjusting to the “new normal.”

I always tell my daughter, “There are no monsters in our house.” Some day I’ll tell her about the monsters outside.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Angels watch me through the night,
And wake me with the morning light.

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Mohamed_Atta.jpg

I finally feel sorry for Britney

I am not a fan but I find myself defending Britney. Critics said she looked fat at the 2007 VMAs. Personally - I wish I looked this good after having two kids.

The voice in my head

Darling Daughter was home sick today from school. Nothing serious - post nasal drip from allergies made her gag and sick to her stomach this morning. Probably still should have sent her to school.

She felt fine all day and talked...non....stop....!!!!!! If she wasn't talking to me, she talked to herself. If I ask her to go play by herself, she would tell me everything she was doing step-by-step. How she didn't pass out from lack of oxygen is miraculous.

Baby Boy was low maintenance except for peeing on the wall....

Melancholy me

Tomorrow marks week six of my maternity leave, which means I have four weeks left before I have to go back to work. Four weeks may seem like a long time but not when you are on maternity leave.

When I returned to work after my daughter was born, people asked me, “Tell the truth. Aren’t you happy to be back at work?” At first I lied and said I was. I’m not sure why I lied. I guess it’s because it’s what I thought I should say – what they expected me to say. The truth was if offered the choice I would have gladly stayed home.

I used to pray to God a lot asking Him to change our financial situation so I would be able to stay home or at least have the option. The answer kept coming back “no” or at least “not yet.” It was making me miserable. So I changed my prayer – if it was not possible for me to be at home full time, then I asked God to change my attitude and make me accepting of my situation. This time my prayer was answered and I felt much better, but now I find myself praying the same prayer again to be a stay-at-home mom.

I know I shouldn’t start moaning about it now. I should just enjoy the time I have left and not worry about it but I can’t help it. I love being on maternity leave. I am very happy and content to take care of my house and my family. Unfortunately, being a full time stay-at-home mom is just not in the cards for me right now. Even if it weren’t for added baby and daycare expenses we would not be able to afford to have me stay at home.

I’ve had people tell me, “If you really wanted to, you could figure out a way to work your budget so you could stay home.” Yeah…right. I’ve thought about it. We’ve crunched the numbers and the numbers don’t look good. Yes – for God, all things are possible. One good “loaves and fishes” miracle would turn things around on a dime (no pun intended) but up to this point we have not be blessed in this way.

My Mom always tells me that change is the only thing in this life you can count on. Things could change; Hubby could be given a huge promotion, we could win Power Ball (if we bothered to buy tickets - we don’t), we could unexpectedly inherit a small fortune…but short of something huge, dramatic and unexpected I don’t see change coming.

…sigh…

Mail call!

I checked my e-mail account for Des Moines 360 and imagine my surprise when I discovered two e-mails that didn’t come from blog entries! As always, I will try to answer your questions as best as I can.

Letter #1

A poster writes…

While looking for info on local daycare, I happened to see your blog...in that the one bit of info the daycare websites don't provide is re: cost, I was wondering if maybe you could fill me in on it-- re: any specific Des Moines daycare, or just in general, what is the approx. cost here for infant daycare?

DMG says: It’s been my experience that daycare costs in Des Moines vary greatly. In West Des Moines, you will pay much more than you would in other burbs.

Generally speaking – in home will run $120 a week for all children, church daycares will charge $170 for infants and the fancy schmancy centers will charge approx. $200 a week. I have a friend who is paying $250 a week for her infant!!!!

Letter #2

The second poster has a request…

I’m trying to get my rank a little higher to make Epic Status more popular. If you have a second, please do the following:


Go to Epic Status Photoblog Links

Click on the first link “Photoblogs Rank”

Scroll down until you find “Epic Status Photoblog” and click on that link



This will raise my ratings but it only counts once for each computer that does it per day (so I can’t do it myself). If you can do this on more than one computer or on multiple days, that would be awesome. Make sure it’s done exactly as listed above otherwise it won’t count. If you have any friends that might participate, forward this on to them. If your friends get this and don’t know what this is for, it’s to help promote the Epic Status Des Moines Photoblog. I appreciate your helpful clicks!



DMG says: This blogger has cool pics from around Des Moines! Highly recommend!

I have a bone to pick with you!

Not really…just needed a clever headline for this next article. File this under, “Gifts for people who have everything.”

Four-foot-long mummified walrus penis up for sale

What do you say when you give this item as a gift?

1. I saw this and thought of you.
2. I’m really hoping you don’t have one already.
3. Here’s the gift receipt…just in case.
4. I got one last year and I loved it!
5. This year we decided to only give practical gifts.
6. Gift certificates are so impersonal.
7. Happy Mother’s Day!

Can you add to my list?

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Walrus.jpg

Brave new world

I want to remember every detail…

Darling Daughter hopped out of bed this morning without any prodding from Mommy and Daddy. She came in to our bedroom to say good morning and for hugs and kisses while I was still feeding Baby Boy.

She put on her new red dress and Daddy helped her with the buttons and tied her belt. She then put on white socks and her “Hello Kitty” black shoes with pink flowers.

At first she was worried she would mess up her dress if she ate breakfast but then accepted my suggestion of a cereal bar – strawberry with white squiggle icing. We then had her stand with her pink and purple Disney Princess backpack in front of the fireplace for some pictures. It was too hot and muggy to take pictures outside.

She was so anxious – she couldn’t wait to leave. A few more hugs, a few more kisses. “Mommy is really proud of you!” and then she was gone – off to her first day of kindergarten.

I feel so old…

Light pilsner or stout?

Calling all beer-loving Lutherans. What type of beer goes best with this meal? *snicker!* ;-)

Bears eat man at beer festival

I'm guessing humans might be a bit gamey so I'd recommend a pilsner - not too strong but strong enough to hold it's own. If forced to choose something other than my usual gin and tonic, I would pick Rolling Rock or Leinenkugel.

What say you?

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Wheatbeer.jpg

Educational moment

Having Darling Daughter home with me while I've been on maternity leave has been very...educational....for her and for me.

I give you Exhibit A. While watching me nurse baby boy, Darling Daughter remarked...

DARLING DAUGHTER: Mommy, your boobies look like buttons but they aren't buttons cuz they're boobies.

Ummm....oooookay....

I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Clothes_button.jpg

Punch drunk

I'm a little short on sleep right now so feeling a little punch drunk. Baby boy sleeps during the day and then has mommy on the couch all night. I know I'm suppose to sleep when the baby sleeps (insane laughter) but during the day I have darling daughter nipping at my heels.

So maybe it's my current mental state but I thought this Spike Jones video was pretty cool. What a showman! I recognize the piece(s) he's playing but can't think of the name(s). Can you?

BTW - any tips for getting 2-week old infants to sleep at night?

Two and a half weeks – three simple rules

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...last night was a very loooooong night…and I should know since baby boy had me up for most of it. Good thing I wrote this post yesterday.

Darling daughter is home with me for the next two and a half weeks before she starts kindergarten. Hubby came up with the idea to pull her out of daycare early to try to save some money before we had to pay double daycare costs with baby boy. He figured since I was already going to be home on maternity leave why not have daughter stay home as well.

I agreed to his plan even though I was a little concerned about the length of time I was going to have her at home. Those who know me well know I would much rather be a stay-at-home mom than caught up in the corporate rat race of the working mom. But I have to admit I am concerned about how I will be able to juggle a rambunctious five year old and a newborn at the same time.

Two and a half weeks may not seem like a long time for the iron clad stay-at-home moms who do this year round but for the uninitiated it is a wee daunting.

In addition to her normally high-spirited personality, Darling Daughter is also adjusting to the new family dynamics. She is very excited about having a baby brother and is very gentle and attentive but I’ve already had to create three easy rules for her to follow when she is around baby boy.

1. No prancy-dancy antics (horseplay) around baby brother.
2. When mommy is nursing baby, she needs to give us some quiet time and space. I got tired of the constant attention and her head blocking my view while I was trying to breastfeed.
3. When mommy tells her to stop doing something she needs to stop immediately.

I created a calendar and have started scheduling some fun activities and play dates to help the days go faster. I know Daughter will be happier if she has activities to look forward too.

Any advice from those iron clad stay-at-home moms?

1. How do you keep older siblings occupied and happy while you tend to babies?
2. How do you handle older siblings who want to play/help with baby, especially when their “help” becomes more of a hindrance?

Morphine? No thanks. I’ve had plenty

There comes a time in everyone’s life when heavy narcotics are a must and not just for the pain. My c-section for example – morphine took the edge off the humiliation factor. A room full of strangers did things to me that if not for medical necessity would have been outlawed in most states. Even through my drug induced haze I remember thinking, “I’m so glad I’m high right now.” I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

DMG with kaleidoscope eyes
Morphine and I do not get along very well. What begins as a warm fuzzy glow, ends as a bar brawl…followed by vomiting. Before they even wheeled me back to my room, I had uncontrollable shakes (one of the nurses called it “the mommy shakes”) and labored breathing. According to the medical staff, I was never in any danger but both Hubby and my Mom were grim faced watching me come out of it.

At one point, the anesthesiologist asked me if I wanted some valium thinking it was anxiety. I declined. I wasn’t freaking out. All I wanted was for the current drugs to clear my system, not to add more drugs on top.

Morphine will also make you really itchy. It made my nose itch like I had a snout full of bees. So there I was shaking, puffing like a steam engine and trying to rub the nose off my face at the same time. A purdy sight to be sure. They gave me something for the itching and it worked like magic.

After about an hour, I came out of it - exhausted and still a little fuzzy but I was finally able to get a good look at my baby boy. All miracles come from God and babies are his specialty.

Baby boy was having his own issues. His blood sugar was really low (a common problem for bigger babies) so they had to run a tube down his throat to give him formula (twice) to bring his blood sugar up. They didn’t want me to nurse him right away, the concern being it would be too stressful for him.

In the end, we both made it through. I stopped shaking and baby boy kept his blood sugar up. We were finally able to spend those first few precious moments getting to know each other.

All for now – baby boy looks like he needs help with a burp. :-)

Baby love!

Sorry for the long gap in posting over the last month. Constant heartburn, excruciating heat, aches and pains and just too mentally tired to type anything of interest.

But...having said all that....I am VERY happy to announce baby's arrival on July 25 by c-section! He tipped the scales at a whopping 9 lbs 8 oz. We were all amazed (stunned)! I had no idea! I'll have to think of an online nickname for him but for now we'll call him 'Bruiser' - suggestions are welcome!

In the days ahead I'll have more to say but for now I'll tell you we are all doing fine. Had a bit of a scare with jaundice the first 24 hours (momma was in tears twice) - had to feed him every 2 hours and put him on a bili blanket. He is now fine and we are finding our "new normal."

Big sister is thrilled and is very attentive and gentle. Hubby is proud as a peacock. I am doing well and getting back up to speed.

More later as I find time between feedings, diapers and lots of new laundry!

God bless!

Platinum

Make new friends but keep the old.
One is silver and the other gold.

Had lunch with good friend Nancy Dancehall on Saturday. She was driving from Colorado with her parents and her twin boys back to Illinois for a long family visit. It was great to see her and the family!

Nancy and I go way way back. We met our freshman year at Drake University - 1989 to be exact - and graduation, time and ever evolving family responsibilities haven't changed our friendship, only deepened it. We don't get to see each other very often and it's difficult to have marathon, girl-talk sessions like we used to in college, but when we do get together we always manage to pick up right where we left off.

She is a true friend - one that I know I will keep for my whole life. When we're old an grey, I hope our children put us in the same nursing home so we can spend our remaining years rocking on the front porch and catching up on our girl-talk.

Love ya Nancy!

Confessions of a corporate cog

Had two, back-to-back excruuuuuuuuciatingly long meetings this week (excruciatingly long for pregnant type persons).

One was our weekly team meeting - spent most of the time going over our agenda for our team retreat in two weeks.

Quick! What are 8 letters meaning indifference!
Answer: w-h-o-c-a-r-e-s

I hate team retreats. Too much blah blah blah, not enough action. It seems like we analyze, evaluate, assess and contemplate all the same old questions - questions that don't necessarily have answers - only to come to the same conclusions. These are all things that would be nice to do, change or add but the reality is there are only so many hours in a day, only so many dollars in our budget and only so much influence our group has to turn the wheels of progress.

But persistence is the mother of futility and every year or so we make grand plans to have a team retreat and we rehash it all again. After the retreat, our sense of accomplishment lasts about as long as a sugar buzz. It vaporizes the instant we realize we didn't really DO anything except create more work for ourselves.

Oh sure - retreats can be valuable on some level and I know some people who actually enjoy them. In most cases, a retreat is simply a JOOE exercise (Justify Our Own Existence); meaning write down a bunch of goals and make a list of other things we could be doing to "add value" to prove to corporate heads we actually matter. As I currently need employment, this is a good thing. But I still don't like retreats...and I never will.

Picture: http://www.despair.com/

Pulling my hair out

We went out to dinner Thursday night with mother-in-law for darling daughter's birthday. I really hate going out to dinner with MIL because darling daughter ALWAYS misbehaves. Last night was a typical dinner out with MIL.

PDA not okay
Darling daughter always acts up and doesn't listen to what we say because she knows Grandma will "rescue" her. One of us will try to discipline daughter and get her to sit still, behave, eat her food or stop whatever behavior is unacceptable and then suddenly it's the cuddly-cooing-snuggle-fest-lovey-dove show. Daughter snuggles up to MIL and MIL puts her arm around her and they snuggle and coo and kiss, rub noses...etc...all the time ignoring us - it is really nauseating. It's like sitting across the table from two teenagers making out.

Darling Daughter is old enough now she should understand what is appropriate restaurant behavior. The PDA has got to stop. Of course, Hubby has mentioned this to his mom before and the behavior hasn't changed. :-/ And let me make this clear - I'm not talking about a quick cuddle or a quick peck on the cheek before the food comes, it is close 75% of the time we are sitting in the restaurant.

If we force the issue and break up their love-in, then we are the bad guys. MIL rarely verbally challenges us directly but by allowing daughter to hang on her and cuddle and coo while we are trying to get her to behave accomplishes the same thing. She is essentially saying, "Don't listen to them. You're not in trouble. Grandma will protect you."

Sometimes MIL will say something to us like, "She's just a little girl..." or she's said to Hubby numerous times "Why are you so grumpy?" and "What's YOUR problem?" Our problem is MIL!!! When we are disciplining darling daughter she needs to separate herself! She needs to stop allowing daughter to hang on her and cuddle and coo with her.

Occasionally, she'll repeat to daughter what we've been trying to get her to do but it is always half hearted and timid - no conviction. If she would back us up and say with a more authoritative tone, "Listen to your daddy/mommy!" then maybe I'd feel like we were on the same side. Right now I feel like it's me and Hubby against darling daughter and MIL.

MIL will also feed daughter like she's a baby - picking up sandwiches for her to take a bite, spoon feeding her and such. Hubby said something the other day so maybe this will stop. In the past she’s allowed daughter to eat off her plate instead of insisting darling daughter eat her own food – that is until I put my foot down. For crying out loud the child is five years old and MIL still treats her like she's two!!!

More drama
The bad behavior continued when we got home. By the end of it I was wiped out. Then it was bed time and darling daughter announces, "I want to sleep with Grandma!" (MIL was staying overnight). I said she could sleep in her own bed or sleep in her tent in the living room but she was not going to sleep with Grandma cuz the bed wasn't big enough. I admit - I really just didn't want them sleeping in the same bed. It's not that I think some kind of creepy Michael Jackson thing is going on, but I think MIL needs to cut the apron strings a little.

Well - instead of saying, "Your mommy said no. We can play in the morning," or anything supportive MIL says to me, "I don't mind." Darling daughter hung on to that single statement for the next hour screaming, "I WANNA SLEEP WITH GRANDMA!!!! SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T MIND!!!!" Thanks Grandma. Really appreciate it.

Then Hubby said, "I don't mind if they sleep in the same bed." I told him, "I've already made the statement." To his credit, Hubby didn't fight me on it but then he had to fight with darling daughter to get her ready for bed. The parents finally won the battle but once again we have extra DRAMA because MIL wouldn't back us up.

Hot under the collar...literally
To top it off, it was really hot in the house Thursday night. Thermostat batteries were running low so the air conditioning wasn't keeping up. Hubby replaced the batteries but it still took most of the night for the house to cool off. I was so uncomfortable I gave up and tried to sleep on the couch in the living room (cooler on lower levels) but still had an awful time. At one point I was sleeping on the floor thinking that would help. Finally, at 3am it was cool enough I went back upstairs. Hooray! A whole 2 and 1/2 hours in my bed before the alarm goes off.

Friday morning I couldn't get out the door fast enough. Darling daughter was home with MIL all day and I just couldn't stand being in the house any longer than necessary.

MIL stayed over again Friday night (not my idea) but thankfully we had a drama free evening. Better news – darling daughter’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese this morning went very well – no drama or upsets. All the kids had a great time!!!

But the best news of all is MIL went home shortly after the party and I have my house back and I can enjoy the rest of my weekend.

I know I'm hormonal and I know I'm tired and I know I have a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to my mother-in-law but I really don't think it's too much to ask that MIL knock off the cuddle fest when we are trying to discipline darling daughter.

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scream

Time warp

My "baby" turns 5 years old today. She'll start kindergarten this fall. Where has the time gone?

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

-Sunrise Sunset, Fiddler on the Roof

Long story short - funny ending

I inherited a suitcase full of magic tricks from a clown who is retiring. I found a can of "Fancy Salted Nuts" inside. Knowing exactly what it was, I handed it to darling daughter and asked if she could open it. She could tell by our giggles and big smiles there was something funny about the can (smart girl). So she started laughing and couldn't open it. I had to help her. The snake that jumped out was pretty funny!

Should I ask my mother-in-law to open the can next time she comes over? *wicked laughter!* :-)

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:SnakeNutCan.JPG

Card carrying member

After months of tagging along to clown meetings, I was officially inducted into the Korn Patch Klowns group last night as a full member. I was expecting blindfolds and spankings with rubber chickens...but alas...it was a simple ceremony.

They made me wear a red clown nose while I answered a few questions about what originally drew me to clowning and my clown name. We wrapped it up by reading the Clown's Prayer.

Prayer of a Clown
Help me to create more laughter than tears,
Dispense more happiness than gloom,
Spread more cheer than despair.

Never let me grow so big that I will fail to
See the wonder in the eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget than I am a Clown…
That my work is to cheer people up, make them happy, and make them laugh, make them forget momentarily all the unpleasant things in their lives.

Never let me jeopardize the integrity of clowndom by improper conduct.
Help me to always make others proud of my actions as a clown.

Never let me acquire financial success to the point where I will discontinue calling upon my Creator in the hour of plenty.

In other news…
Pregnancy complaint of the week - My bellybutton hurts!!! :-O

If the shoe farts....
Currently, my most comfortable pair of shoes are my white (okay - mostly white) tennis shoes. Unfortunately, every time I step with my right foot my shoe makes a 'phoosh' sound, which is remarkably similar to a bodily function. (...sigh...)

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried

I'm back in the saddle again - posting that is - and fresh from a long weekend visiting my sister in Minnesota. The trip was a lot of fun! We all had a great time! I was expecting this to be a run-of-the-mill-back-from-vacation-guess-what-we-did-over-the-weekend kind of post. And it would have been too if it wasn't for our crazy trip home.

Break down
We were almost home - just north of Ames, Iowa when Hubby's truck broke down. With gauges red lining, we limped to the Ames exit driving about 40 miles an hour on the shoulder for three miles. The truck was making a horrible noise, which only grew louder the farther we drove. We turned into the first parking lot we could find, a credit union right next to a gas station. As soon as Hubby touched the brake, the truck died - not good.

Hubby popped the hood and looked at the engine; not because he knows anything about automotive repair but because that's what you do when you break down. He walked over to the gas station to borrow a phone book while Darling Daughter and I stayed in the truck. I amused myself by people watching. Not a lot to see - the credit union was behind us and there just wasn't a lot of action on an early Monday afternoon....or so we thought.

A little thing called fate...or is it karma?...more like Divine Comedy
Strange things happen to my family. If you've ever doubted that God has a sense of humor, come over to my house and let me tell you some stories. My brother once cheated death when his furnace blew up with him standing next to it - walked away without a scratch. Later that day, he won a cruise to the Bahamas through a radio trivia contest. I warned Hubby when we got married he would be sucked into the DMG family curse. So when we found out the credit union where we were parked was robbed while we were sitting there my immediate response was to laugh out loud.

No one hurt in armed robbery at credit union

I missed the whole thing because the truck was facing the wrong way. We didn't even have a clue anything was going on - nobody told us - but we caught on pretty quick when a police officer pulled into the parking lot and got out of his car carrying his shotgun. I thought maybe he didn't like our Hawkeye license plates - Ames is home to the Iowa State Cyclones and they are bitter rivals with the University of Iowa Hawkeyes, Hubby's alma mater.

The policeman came over and talked to us. We found out the robbery occured when Hubby was in the gas station. I told them about a few people I saw in the parking lot - nothing exciting from my point of view but they made me talk to two different detectives. I did the best I could. People watching is a passive activity - you never think you'll actually have to remember what they looked like. They were done questioning me about the same time the tow truck showed up.

Would have, could have, should have....
It was all very exciting. I don't know how helpful I was. I didn't see any of the actual robbery itself. Hubby - being the morbid one in the family - was kicking himself later, "I never should have left you alone in the truck!" He dwells on what could have happened - if I had seen something and if the robber had seen me seeing something and then something really bad could have happened...yadda yadda yadda.... I guess I don't worry too much about that kind of stuff. I didn't see anything let alone something therefore nothing happened. It's the story of my life - when something really cool happens, I'm always looking the other way.

The best news out of all of this is the truck is fixed and it didn't cost us an arm and a leg. We were sweating bullets thinking it was something really serious. Turns out it was just a broken hose clamp and a busted thermostat caused when we turned on the air conditioner; broken hose blew coolant all over the thermostat and fried it. First car repair we've had in a long time that came in under $200.

Somewhat anti-climatic but like I told Hubby, "Hey! It's blog-able!"

The long good-bye

Grandpop died Saturday morning. It wasn’t unexpected – after all, he was 93 but the phone call still came as a bit of a surprise. I tried to act like nothing was wrong but Darling Daughter caught me crying.

DAUGHTER: Why are you crying?

DMG: Mommy is just sad today.

DAUGHTER: But why?

It’s not that I didn’t want to tell her – I just would have preferred to be able to pull myself together first. She was insistent.

DMG: Your great grandpop, Pop Pop’s daddy, died today and it makes mommy sad. But mommy is also happy because he is now with Jesus in heaven and with Grandma. He missed Grandma a lot.

She gave me lots of hugs and kisses and then like a true Lutheran said,

DAUGHTER: Do you want something to eat?

That made me smile. Food and grief go hand-in-hand.

More about Grandpop…

Grandma died in 2001 from Alzheimer’s. The last few years of her life, Grandpop sat with her every waking moment, holding her hand. Long hours were spent together in silence. She was unable to communicate with him except through grunts and gestures but he continued to visit her every day, all day, for as long as the nursing staff allowed. It was the single, most powerful act of love and devotion I’ve ever personally witnessed. He sacrificed his own mental acuity by spending so much time with her.

When she died, he was heartbroken….lost. They had been married 63 years but had been together for much longer than that. They met in the first grade and grew up together.

The week before the funeral he kept forgetting she was gone and had to be reminded. For some reason, I was usually sitting next to him so it was up to me to tell him.

DMG: Grandma went home to be with the Lord, remember? She isn’t in any more pain. We’re going to say good-bye to her on Saturday.

He would cry all over again and I would hold his hand and stroke his wispy hair. This went on for several days – several times a day.

The morning of the funeral I was sitting across from him at breakfast. Suddenly teary-eyed he looked up from his breakfast and asked, “Is today Saturday?” Fighting back my own tears I told him, ‘yes.’ More handholding, more comforting.

The last six years he’s lived in his own little world, pretending Grandma was still alive, talking about her in the present tense. Early on, we tried to correct him but gave up after he became angry with us. As long as he didn’t try to go to her old room in the nursing home, we figured what harm was it.

The long good-bye is over. He is home with his Lord and Savior and I can only imagine the joyous reunion he had with Grandma.

No more tears.

Mother's Day duel

The phone rang Monday night - it was dear Mother-in-Law. Hubby picked up. She was calling about plans for Mother's Day, something Hubby and I had discussed in passing but nothing definite had been decided. Not that we were being forgetful or neglectful - just very busy.

When it comes to Mother's Day, I'm not really very picky. A special outing need not take place on the actual day and I'm not really one to push for things - suggestions, yes - demands, not so much. I'm happy as long as my thoughts and opinions are considered. Mother-in-law, however, takes a much more direct approach and a lot of times we end of doing what she wants to do over what I would like to do. I guess she feels she still outranks me because she is both mom and grandma.

But I digress...let me get back to the phone call:

MIL: So I wanted to know, did you want to come over here for lunch with me and grandma for Mother's Day or should I pick up something and bring it over to your house?

SIDE NOTE: This is a classic sales technique - never give the customer the option to say 'no.' She offers two choices (two things she would like to do) and does not ask, "What would DMG like to do for Mother's Day?" It's like the salesman who asks, "How many units can I put you down for?" not "Would you like to buy my product?"

HUBBY: (all the while looking at me for my reaction and smiling mischievously) Well, I thought this year we should let DMG pick. She hasn't had a chance to choose the last couple years and I think she deserves a turn.

GASP! This is why I love that man!

MIL: (a bit surprised) Oh! Well, sure! What does DMG want to do?

HUBBY: (to me) What do you want to do for Mother's Day?

I pantomime cardiac arrest. Hubby chuckles.

DMG: Can I think about it?

HUBBY: Sure!

Pinch me - I'm dreaming
So...BUWAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I'm feeling very much like the cat that swallowed the canary! Finally, an opportunity to pick what I would like to do! I know what you're thinking - what's the big deal? You think I'm overreacting. Well, let me tell you about the last time I was able to "choose" where we went for Mother's Day.

Long story short - MIL didn't like the restaurant I chose but she agreed we would all go for lunch. Then, less than a week before Mother's Day, she suddenly announces that Hubby's Aunt and Uncle were coming to visit and she was having lunch at her place. Therefore, we needed to go to her house for lunch instead. Hubby told her politely that maybe we would stop by later but we had plans to go to the restaurant. This did not sit well with MIL.

A couple days later she calls back and tells us, not only were the Aunt and Uncle coming for lunch, now all the cousins were coming too.

MIL: So now you HAVE to come to my house for lunch!!!!

We didn't go the restaurant - we went to her house for lunch instead only to discover half the guests she told us would be there (guests that made our presence absolutely necessary) did not come. Call it a conspiracy theory if you want but Hubby and I both think she quickly engineered the whole lunch thing only after she decided she did not want to go to the restaurant and lunch was her way out.

A few weeks later she went to the restaurant with her church group and made sure to tell us, "It wasn't very good." This was her way of saying her decision to do lunch at her place was the correct decision and she saved us from going to a substandard restaurant. We have yet to go to that restaurant - our own fault for sure but we don't get out a whole lot.

But now it's MY turn again and I've already told Hubby I want to go to that same restaurant we had tried to go to for Mother's Day before. He gave me a sly grin and sniggered. He thinks it's perfect! I can't wait to hear what MIL thinks!!!

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Mühlberg_-_Säbelmensur.jpg

Today in Des Moines…

...I saw a guy walking down Grand Avenue wearing a black cowboy hat, black leather jacket, cut off pants and sneakers while eating a banana.

*Grin!* :-)

Self medicating with Rocky Road

Here I sit, self medicating my pregnancy heartburn with the aforementioned Rocky Road ice cream. There was a time early in this pregnancy when I was bound and determined to not gain as much weight as the first time around. Well – another turn of the screw – and as Rhett so famously said to Scarlet , “I don’t give a damn.”

…28 weeks and counting…

All aboard the Bi-Polar Express
This is going to be a very a rather disjointed post but before I delve into the week's events I want to first thank all of you for your encouragement and support from my last post. It’s been a long and moody week for me but I think I am feeling better.

Life is hard. Being pregnant is harder. But instead of crawling into a hole I need to remember to lift up my head and trust that God is guiding me through it. I’ve said before, God works out of a different Day Planner than I do and His organizational skills and timing are a wee bit better than mine.

Send in the clowns
It seems no matter how tired or moody or disgusted I am with the world, clowning always seem to cheer me up. Instructor Dude and I clowned at my church fundraiser this week. The fundraiser was for the same bunch of preschool kids we clowned for the week before and they all recognized us!

They came running up to us all smiles. The parents were happy to see us too – I kept hearing, “You must be the clowns! We’ve heard so much about you!” That was my warm fuzzy for the week. It’s nice to know we were able to make a difference.

On Saturday, a bunch of clowns from our local alley did our thing at the March of Dimes charity walk in Des Moines. Again – it was a great time! I was wiped out by the time I got home but the cute kids and the smiles made it all worth it.

The conversational redirect
A learned survival skill…I think I've mentioned it before.

DMG: (sudden and dramatic) My water!!!!….(pause)….glass is empty!

That’s what I told Hubby I would do during lunch today with mother-in-law if I suddenly found myself witnessing a third party conversation. You know what I mean – when two people have a conversation but the topic is really meant for your benefit.

My MIL is a master of this. Whenever she wants something from me, she has a “conversation” with someone else in the room loud enough for me to hear in order to drop me a hint.

Here’s an example of an opening line from a conversation that took place at my baby shower when I was pregnant with Darling Daughter.

MIL: (to another party guest) I think grandmas should have baby showers too, don’t you?

She’s done this with other relatives as well as complete strangers. Be forewarned – if you ever visit me while she is present you might find yourself unknowingly participating in her passive-aggressive kabuki theater. She hopes I will engage in the conversation and give her what she wants but…I never do. I ignore it because after all I’m not the one she’s having the conversation with.

I’m happy to say I didn’t have to use my “water glass” line at lunch today so I will hold onto it just in case I need it again before baby comes.

Final thoughts
Kerner mentioned in his last comment the bomb scare that occurred at the Des Moines Area Community College (DMACC). It turns out the mysterious package was just a big box of condoms that was mailed to the human sexuality class. Here’s how I think the headline should have read.

DMACC building prematurely evacuated due to box of condoms

*snicker!* :-) The Des Moines Register staff showed the proper restraint and a bit more maturity.

Condoms trigger DMACC scare
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200770426041

Condoms that spurred scare were meant for class
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200770427034

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Soft_Ice_cream.jpg