Pulling my hair outWe went out to dinner Thursday night with mother-in-law for darling daughter's birthday. I really hate going out to dinner with MIL because darling daughter ALWAYS misbehaves. Last night was a typical dinner out with MIL.
PDA not okay
Darling daughter always acts up and doesn't listen to what we say because she knows Grandma will "rescue" her. One of us will try to discipline daughter and get her to sit still, behave, eat her food or stop whatever behavior is unacceptable and then suddenly it's the cuddly-cooing-snuggle-fest-lovey-dove show. Daughter snuggles up to MIL and MIL puts her arm around her and they snuggle and coo and kiss, rub noses...etc...all the time ignoring us - it is really nauseating. It's like sitting across the table from two teenagers making out.
Darling Daughter is old enough now she should understand what is appropriate restaurant behavior. The PDA has got to stop. Of course, Hubby has mentioned this to his mom before and the behavior hasn't changed. :-/ And let me make this clear - I'm not talking about a quick cuddle or a quick peck on the cheek before the food comes, it is close 75% of the time we are sitting in the restaurant.
If we force the issue and break up their love-in, then we are the bad guys. MIL rarely verbally challenges us directly but by allowing daughter to hang on her and cuddle and coo while we are trying to get her to behave accomplishes the same thing. She is essentially saying, "Don't listen to them. You're not in trouble. Grandma will protect you."
Sometimes MIL will say something to us like, "She's just a little girl..." or she's said to Hubby numerous times "Why are you so grumpy?" and "What's YOUR problem?" Our problem is MIL!!! When we are disciplining darling daughter she needs to separate herself! She needs to stop allowing daughter to hang on her and cuddle and coo with her.
Occasionally, she'll repeat to daughter what we've been trying to get her to do but it is always half hearted and timid - no conviction. If she would back us up and say with a more authoritative tone, "Listen to your daddy/mommy!" then maybe I'd feel like we were on the same side. Right now I feel like it's me and Hubby against darling daughter and MIL.
MIL will also feed daughter like she's a baby - picking up sandwiches for her to take a bite, spoon feeding her and such. Hubby said something the other day so maybe this will stop. In the past she’s allowed daughter to eat off her plate instead of insisting darling daughter eat her own food – that is until I put my foot down. For crying out loud the child is five years old and MIL still treats her like she's two!!!
More drama
The bad behavior continued when we got home. By the end of it I was wiped out. Then it was bed time and darling daughter announces, "I want to sleep with Grandma!" (MIL was staying overnight). I said she could sleep in her own bed or sleep in her tent in the living room but she was not going to sleep with Grandma cuz the bed wasn't big enough. I admit - I really just didn't want them sleeping in the same bed. It's not that I think some kind of creepy Michael Jackson thing is going on, but I think MIL needs to cut the apron strings a little.
Well - instead of saying, "Your mommy said no. We can play in the morning," or anything supportive MIL says to me, "I don't mind." Darling daughter hung on to that single statement for the next hour screaming, "I WANNA SLEEP WITH GRANDMA!!!! SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T MIND!!!!" Thanks Grandma. Really appreciate it.
Then Hubby said, "I don't mind if they sleep in the same bed." I told him, "I've already made the statement." To his credit, Hubby didn't fight me on it but then he had to fight with darling daughter to get her ready for bed. The parents finally won the battle but once again we have extra DRAMA because MIL wouldn't back us up.
Hot under the collar...literally
To top it off, it was really hot in the house Thursday night. Thermostat batteries were running low so the air conditioning wasn't keeping up. Hubby replaced the batteries but it still took most of the night for the house to cool off. I was so uncomfortable I gave up and tried to sleep on the couch in the living room (cooler on lower levels) but still had an awful time. At one point I was sleeping on the floor thinking that would help. Finally, at 3am it was cool enough I went back upstairs. Hooray! A whole 2 and 1/2 hours in my bed before the alarm goes off.
Friday morning I couldn't get out the door fast enough. Darling daughter was home with MIL all day and I just couldn't stand being in the house any longer than necessary.
MIL stayed over again Friday night (not my idea) but thankfully we had a drama free evening. Better news – darling daughter’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese this morning went very well – no drama or upsets. All the kids had a great time!!!
But the best news of all is MIL went home shortly after the party and I have my house back and I can enjoy the rest of my weekend.
I know I'm hormonal and I know I'm tired and I know I have a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to my mother-in-law but I really don't think it's too much to ask that MIL knock off the cuddle fest when we are trying to discipline darling daughter.
Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scream
7 comments:
All that nonsense would drive me insane. I could never put up with it.
That sounds really frustrating!
All my empathy is pouring your way. Next time you are forced into a restaurant situation I'd request a table and sit DD between mommy and daddy. Then MIL will be accross from her and can better appreicate what a big girl she is becomming.
Some hope? The excessice doting on child #1 eased up somewhat when child #2 came into our lives. Perhaps it will be the same for you. We have a similar interval between our children.
Hey Barb - It does drive me insane but what can I do? Hubby has had many conversations with his mom about stuff but there never seems to be a permanent change. I wish there was a way to keep Hubby and divorce the mother-in-law.
Myutopia - It is very frustrating and it shouldn't have to be.
Marie - Thanks for the empathy. I can always use it. Before we eat out with MIL again we will be reviewing some rules for both daughter and MIL. I think the main new rule will be that if the rules aren't followed then daughter will no longer be allowed to sit next to Grandma. Hopefully that will put them both back on the straight and narrow. I hope you are right about child #2 settling things down. My biggest fear is a second child will only cause MIL to play favorites.
My mom refused to change either, so I finally dropped the atomic bomb of not seeing or communicating with anybody in my family anymore. The last straw was my father screaming at my husband in the driveway of our home that all my "problems" were my husband's fault. This, after my sister went to him with her "concerns" about me after my girls shared some stuff with her in all innocence, that my sister twisted. I wouldn't recommend the "atomic route" but I certainly needed it. Of course, it was easier that it was my own family that I cut off. Fortunately for me and DH, we are both on the same wavelength about our respective in-laws.
My favorite comment in that situation is, "SHE'S NOT A TODDLER ANY MORE!". Usually not said that loudly, but I don't let it get to a position where we have to debate whether to allow the behavior. I hate it when kids are treated like trophies, and not like kids.
Marie and I set guidelines for ourselves before we get together with the other party. That way, the children not only have ground rules, but we do, too, including what we will and won't let slide.
I've also had to make the comment, "I'm the parent, you're not", or, "You wouldn't let me get away with that, and I won't let her." They don't like it, but if I've reached that point, the other party has heard it enough to know they need to back off. I've used it in public and in the home.
Stand your ground. It has to be consistent enough for MIL to know that she CAN'T get to you and that you are ready, willing and able to fight it every time it happens. This is one battle you don't want to lose; the respect your children have for you depends on it.
Okay, I'm off my soapbox now. I'm not as nice as Marie is. :-)
Barb! - I know what you mean by dropping the atomic bomb. Hubby has at times limited our contact with his mom when things have gotten really bad - a few cold wars - but it usually doesn't last too long. It does seem to work but you are right, it is very difficult.
Rick! Thanks for the pep talk! You are absolutely right. All we can really do is keep speaking up, loudly if necessary. Hubby and I try very hard to keep MIL from running over us but it gets so tiring when she doesn't seem to listen or care about our opinions.
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