Melancholy me

Tomorrow marks week six of my maternity leave, which means I have four weeks left before I have to go back to work. Four weeks may seem like a long time but not when you are on maternity leave.

When I returned to work after my daughter was born, people asked me, “Tell the truth. Aren’t you happy to be back at work?” At first I lied and said I was. I’m not sure why I lied. I guess it’s because it’s what I thought I should say – what they expected me to say. The truth was if offered the choice I would have gladly stayed home.

I used to pray to God a lot asking Him to change our financial situation so I would be able to stay home or at least have the option. The answer kept coming back “no” or at least “not yet.” It was making me miserable. So I changed my prayer – if it was not possible for me to be at home full time, then I asked God to change my attitude and make me accepting of my situation. This time my prayer was answered and I felt much better, but now I find myself praying the same prayer again to be a stay-at-home mom.

I know I shouldn’t start moaning about it now. I should just enjoy the time I have left and not worry about it but I can’t help it. I love being on maternity leave. I am very happy and content to take care of my house and my family. Unfortunately, being a full time stay-at-home mom is just not in the cards for me right now. Even if it weren’t for added baby and daycare expenses we would not be able to afford to have me stay at home.

I’ve had people tell me, “If you really wanted to, you could figure out a way to work your budget so you could stay home.” Yeah…right. I’ve thought about it. We’ve crunched the numbers and the numbers don’t look good. Yes – for God, all things are possible. One good “loaves and fishes” miracle would turn things around on a dime (no pun intended) but up to this point we have not be blessed in this way.

My Mom always tells me that change is the only thing in this life you can count on. Things could change; Hubby could be given a huge promotion, we could win Power Ball (if we bothered to buy tickets - we don’t), we could unexpectedly inherit a small fortune…but short of something huge, dramatic and unexpected I don’t see change coming.

…sigh…