MilestonesTomorrow Baby Boy is officially 6-months old. When he was born, my goal was to breastfeed for at least six months and it is with mixed emotions I am now crossing this goal off my list. It is the same goal I set with my daughter (we made it five and a half). In both cases, my production just didn't seem to hold up. My cup does not runneth over.
Side note
When I was first experiencing production problems with my daughter, I was in a group of new mommies discussing breastfeeding. The group knew I was struggling and having to supplement. One woman, in a moment of social amnesia, went off on a tear about the appalling state of formula and compared it to poison. Suddenly aware of my presence, she tried to recover with a quick, "Oh...well...they are fine if you HAVE to supplement..." I smiled without comment and quietly excused myself.
Shortly after returning to work this fall, I had to begin supplementing with formula and it's been a struggle ever since; pumping up to three times a day at work during my peak and still barely meeting or more often coming up a little short of filling three bottles for the sitter. And even with pumping this much my production hit a wall. I noticed a drop around November. I kept at it even when it was obvious no amount of pumping was going to turn the tide (so to speak).
I cut down to two pumping breaks after Christmas and now this week it's dwindled to one. After tomorrow, no more pumping and that will be the end.
It seems harder to give it up this time probably because I know Baby Boy (short of a miracle) is our last baby. I've loved nursing but the pumping I can do without - a love hate relationship in the truest sense.
Yes - I will be happy to have my lunch hours back and return to my regular exercise routines.
Yes - It will be nice to go back to wearing normal bras sans breast shields
Yes - no more odd aches and pains and other minor discomforts
Yes - I did reach my goal
And yet...I'm still a little sad...a little not ready...and a little voice in the back of my head asks if I did enough, did I try hard enough, could I have done a little bit more?
Side note
When I was first experiencing production problems with my daughter, I was in a group of new mommies discussing breastfeeding. The group knew I was struggling and having to supplement. One woman, in a moment of social amnesia, went off on a tear about the appalling state of formula and compared it to poison. Suddenly aware of my presence, she tried to recover with a quick, "Oh...well...they are fine if you HAVE to supplement..." I smiled without comment and quietly excused myself.
Shortly after returning to work this fall, I had to begin supplementing with formula and it's been a struggle ever since; pumping up to three times a day at work during my peak and still barely meeting or more often coming up a little short of filling three bottles for the sitter. And even with pumping this much my production hit a wall. I noticed a drop around November. I kept at it even when it was obvious no amount of pumping was going to turn the tide (so to speak).
I cut down to two pumping breaks after Christmas and now this week it's dwindled to one. After tomorrow, no more pumping and that will be the end.
It seems harder to give it up this time probably because I know Baby Boy (short of a miracle) is our last baby. I've loved nursing but the pumping I can do without - a love hate relationship in the truest sense.
Yes - I will be happy to have my lunch hours back and return to my regular exercise routines.
Yes - It will be nice to go back to wearing normal bras sans breast shields
Yes - no more odd aches and pains and other minor discomforts
Yes - I did reach my goal
And yet...I'm still a little sad...a little not ready...and a little voice in the back of my head asks if I did enough, did I try hard enough, could I have done a little bit more?
5 comments:
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I know. I was never able to really breastfeed the boyos. Could never get the hang of the double-hold. And I hated the boob-women who looked down at me for 'failing.' Yes, breast milk is better, yes, but....I see plenty of smart, healthy happy kids running around who had nothing but formula.
You HAVE done your best. And it was more than enough. I happen to know that you are wonderful mom. You're one of my role-model moms, actually.
And I know that what you are feeling comes from more than just the 'nutrition' aspect. It's closing a chapter.
Happy 6 months, Baby Boy!
DMG - it is what it is. You have done more than most -less than some, but it is the love in the heart that matters.
DMG,
Well, I'm a man, so my credibility on this subject is limited, but i can tell you some general things.
There is a real tyranny in the expectations of others. What comes easily to some is difficult for others; still others can't do some things at all. Don't be oppressed by what somebody does or thinks you should do (unless it's in God's Word; that's different).
When it comes to parenting, I have raised 5 kids. The youngest turned 18 last month. None of them were (or are) perfect, and every day I wish I could go back and change something I did raising them. I tried to do the best it was in me to do for each of them as individuals. Sometimes I failed. But I'm pretty sure they all appreciate that I tried. I'm sure your kids will be able to feel the same way about you. Watch, they'll rise up and call you blessed yet.
I'll tell you this much. If having to give up nursing at six months is the worst thing that ever happens to this kid, he's the luckiest little boy in the world. Have no fear.
Hi Yuppy - I'll check out your site and let you know.
ND - Yes - you are right. A lot of it is the whole closing of a chapter thing. Thanks for understanding! *hugs!*
Anonymous - "The love in your heart that matters." I will remember that!
Kerner - Thank you! The man perspective on this issue is valuable (don't think that it isn't). Thank you for sharing. You are right - the tyranny of expectations can be a rough road.
Thanks again to all of you for stopping by and for your kind words. It has helped. Obviously it is a highly emotional topic and time right now.
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