Grinding mill

Heather Mills just scored $48.7 million in her divorce settlement.

Paul McCartney Ordered to Pay Heather Mills $48.7 Million to Settle Divorce

Sounds like Sir Paul was a jerk but from what I've read she's a psycho shrew. Maybe they should have stayed married - they sound like a lovely couple.

So what do you think Heather should buy with her new millions?

Therapy? A gold-plated leg?

Answering the burning question, What happens to all our crap?

The National Geographic channel has done it again - created a philosophically stimulating and visually entertaining program based on a completely pointless premise. Aftermath: Population Zero looks at a world where humans no longer exist. No explanation as to what happened to us - just poof, we're gone, and we left all our crap behind.

Without humans to build and fix things, the viewer watches civilization slowly disappear - plants and animals invade cities, buildings decay and collapse, monuments crumble.

The visual effects are cool - like when the Statue of Liberty loses her head. It is the ultimate disaster flick. But throughout the program I kept asking - "What's the point?" The only answer I could come up with is someone wanted to create a program that would make radical environmentalist squeal like giddy school girls.

The program seems to say, "Look how much better the Earth is now that humans are gone!" Humans are the scourge, the virus, and once we're gone Mother Nature slowly reclaims the Earth for her own by breaking down manmade materials and scrubbing the world clean.

When I was a kid, my parents told me to make sure and turn off the lights and don't waste water. Keep America Beautiful and Don't be a Litterbug were the slogans of the 1970s.

Later it became reduce, reuse, recycle. Okay - fine, I can do that.

But then things took a turn. Somewhere near the corner of "Lunacy" and "You've Got to be Kidding Me," Al Gore introduced us to the term "Carbon Footprint" and told us we all needed to know what size it is (I don't even know my bra size). Empty headed celebs recommend using only one square of toilet paper while other do-as-we-say-not-as-we-do-limo-lib elites tell us to change our lifestyles or buy carbon offsets. Sheesh....

But now with programs like Aftermath, we've reached the ulitmate and natural conclusion, the negation of the negation as it were. If we truly love the Earth, if we are truly environmentalists and say we put the planet first before our own destructive needs, we must make the ultimate sacrifice, a monumental coup de grace. We should all just off ourselves so Mother Nature can reclaim what is rightfully hers.

Eh? I don't think so.

Polkarama dance party!!!!

I didn’t exactly forget – I just couldn’t decide what to post to celebrate my 2nd Blog-o-versary! Yup – hard to believe I’ve been doing this for two years. Even harder to believe people keep coming back to read what I post.

Anyhoo – the official anniversary was yesterday but the celebration is today! Help me celebrate by clicking on the video below and joining my polka dance party! Wherever you are, just get up and dance and have fun!

Warning: Video contains a few scantily clad women doing suggestive dance moves but they’re dancing to polka music so how offensive could it really be? Unless you’re offended by polka music….




Maybe it's just me but I think Weird Al is not only hilarious but a genius too.

Phrase of the day

“To blow crazy…”: (VERB) To have a sudden release of pent up emotion. Episode is usually public (e.g. holiday gatherings or family functions such as reunions, weddings, birthday parties…etc…).

Friends and family are initially shocked and confused as they were unaware of the strong emotions lurking just below the surface. Their surprise quickly turns to embarrassment and then to amusement as the “blower” becomes more dramatic and irrational. Episode is usually triggered by a trivial complaint.

“After Aunt Marge criticized her Jello mold, Mary blew crazy all over everyone and left the picnic.”

For more info, see video… (language warning)

The voice in my head

Darling Daughter was home sick today from school. Nothing serious - post nasal drip from allergies made her gag and sick to her stomach this morning. Probably still should have sent her to school.

She felt fine all day and talked...non....stop....!!!!!! If she wasn't talking to me, she talked to herself. If I ask her to go play by herself, she would tell me everything she was doing step-by-step. How she didn't pass out from lack of oxygen is miraculous.

Baby Boy was low maintenance except for peeing on the wall....

I have a bone to pick with you!

Not really…just needed a clever headline for this next article. File this under, “Gifts for people who have everything.”

Four-foot-long mummified walrus penis up for sale

What do you say when you give this item as a gift?

1. I saw this and thought of you.
2. I’m really hoping you don’t have one already.
3. Here’s the gift receipt…just in case.
4. I got one last year and I loved it!
5. This year we decided to only give practical gifts.
6. Gift certificates are so impersonal.
7. Happy Mother’s Day!

Can you add to my list?

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Walrus.jpg

Mother's Day duel

The phone rang Monday night - it was dear Mother-in-Law. Hubby picked up. She was calling about plans for Mother's Day, something Hubby and I had discussed in passing but nothing definite had been decided. Not that we were being forgetful or neglectful - just very busy.

When it comes to Mother's Day, I'm not really very picky. A special outing need not take place on the actual day and I'm not really one to push for things - suggestions, yes - demands, not so much. I'm happy as long as my thoughts and opinions are considered. Mother-in-law, however, takes a much more direct approach and a lot of times we end of doing what she wants to do over what I would like to do. I guess she feels she still outranks me because she is both mom and grandma.

But I digress...let me get back to the phone call:

MIL: So I wanted to know, did you want to come over here for lunch with me and grandma for Mother's Day or should I pick up something and bring it over to your house?

SIDE NOTE: This is a classic sales technique - never give the customer the option to say 'no.' She offers two choices (two things she would like to do) and does not ask, "What would DMG like to do for Mother's Day?" It's like the salesman who asks, "How many units can I put you down for?" not "Would you like to buy my product?"

HUBBY: (all the while looking at me for my reaction and smiling mischievously) Well, I thought this year we should let DMG pick. She hasn't had a chance to choose the last couple years and I think she deserves a turn.

GASP! This is why I love that man!

MIL: (a bit surprised) Oh! Well, sure! What does DMG want to do?

HUBBY: (to me) What do you want to do for Mother's Day?

I pantomime cardiac arrest. Hubby chuckles.

DMG: Can I think about it?

HUBBY: Sure!

Pinch me - I'm dreaming
So...BUWAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I'm feeling very much like the cat that swallowed the canary! Finally, an opportunity to pick what I would like to do! I know what you're thinking - what's the big deal? You think I'm overreacting. Well, let me tell you about the last time I was able to "choose" where we went for Mother's Day.

Long story short - MIL didn't like the restaurant I chose but she agreed we would all go for lunch. Then, less than a week before Mother's Day, she suddenly announces that Hubby's Aunt and Uncle were coming to visit and she was having lunch at her place. Therefore, we needed to go to her house for lunch instead. Hubby told her politely that maybe we would stop by later but we had plans to go to the restaurant. This did not sit well with MIL.

A couple days later she calls back and tells us, not only were the Aunt and Uncle coming for lunch, now all the cousins were coming too.

MIL: So now you HAVE to come to my house for lunch!!!!

We didn't go the restaurant - we went to her house for lunch instead only to discover half the guests she told us would be there (guests that made our presence absolutely necessary) did not come. Call it a conspiracy theory if you want but Hubby and I both think she quickly engineered the whole lunch thing only after she decided she did not want to go to the restaurant and lunch was her way out.

A few weeks later she went to the restaurant with her church group and made sure to tell us, "It wasn't very good." This was her way of saying her decision to do lunch at her place was the correct decision and she saved us from going to a substandard restaurant. We have yet to go to that restaurant - our own fault for sure but we don't get out a whole lot.

But now it's MY turn again and I've already told Hubby I want to go to that same restaurant we had tried to go to for Mother's Day before. He gave me a sly grin and sniggered. He thinks it's perfect! I can't wait to hear what MIL thinks!!!

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Mühlberg_-_Säbelmensur.jpg

On the bright side, my clown walk is getting funnier…

I reached another clowning milestone this week. Instructor Dude and I entertained the preschool kids (3 – 5 year olds) at church and taught them all about how to be clowns.

Two days – four presentations. We taught them how to tell a joke, how to do a magic trick, how to laugh like a clown, how to make funny faces like a clown and finally….how to walk like a clown.

Walk this way. If I could walk that way, I wouldn’t need the talcum powder…
Who knew the last would be the most difficult? We started off showing the kids examples of funny clown walks – kind of a John Cleese The Ministry of Silly Walks bit.

Anyway, there was one particular clown walk I don’t think I’ll be doing for awhile. I pulled my sciatic nerve down my left leg. I added insult to injury when I slipped getting into the car to go home – stupid rain.

So now I have a little hitch in my get-along but at 27 weeks and counting I guess that should be expected. It’s not a constant thing – more of an occasional (not so) gentle reminder I’m not as spry as I was a few months ago. Maybe I’ll change my name to “Gimpy the Clown.”

Smiling through my pain
It was all worth it! The kids really had a great time and we had a blast! The teachers took pictures and I’m told we’ll be in the church bulletin this week. I’ll see if I can swipe some jpgs to post.

Next clown adventure – a church fund raiser Thursday night and a March of Dimes walk on Saturday. I better find some time to practice my balloon twisting!

I know - a lot of clown stuff going on but when the baby comes, I’ll have no choice but to slow down. I guess I feel like I need to take advantage of the opportunities while I still can.

Am I crazy?

Nesting?

Well…maybe…yeah…I guess. Hubby took darling daughter to a softball game this afternoon. I had the house to myself. It was the first time I had been alone in the house in I can’t remember how long.

I could have taken a nap. I could have done housework – pick a room, they all need help. I could have done some yard work. But no….I suddenly had a wild hair to sort through baby clothes, two large tubs full to be exact. Probably shouldn’t go into the fact I was moving some heavy storage bins in the process…I promise I won’t do that any more.

I searched through mountains of pink and filly girly things and pulled out all the gender neutral and boyish clothes for baby boy. Then I sorted by size and made two piles – one newborn to 12 months and the other over 18 months. Took me all afternoon.

But the wild hair wasn’t done with me yet. After dinner, I pulled all of darling daughter’s summer clothes out and had her try them on to see which clothes still fit her and then reorganized her dresser drawers. It was a very productive afternoon but it wasn’t something that needed to be done today.

So…what do you think? Nesting? Spring fever? Or just plain crazy?