It doesn’t matter…

One would hope we all are blessed with meaningful, fulfilling work – work you can be passionate about; work that excites you; work that has you rising eagerly from your bed each morning with an I-can’t-wait-to-get-started attitude. But alas, that is not always the case.

I am going through a spell at work right now where I have lost my passion. Work at best is meaningless and at its worst, stupid and irritating.

I’ve taken to amusing myself with little things – things that don’t matter but might give me a small chuckle at some point during the 8-9 hours a day my soul is slowly being sucked from my body. When that fails, my mental iPod plays show tunes (I don't know why - it just does). Below is a current fav.

So help me out – what do you do when you’ve lost passion for your work?

Grinding mill

Heather Mills just scored $48.7 million in her divorce settlement.

Paul McCartney Ordered to Pay Heather Mills $48.7 Million to Settle Divorce

Sounds like Sir Paul was a jerk but from what I've read she's a psycho shrew. Maybe they should have stayed married - they sound like a lovely couple.

So what do you think Heather should buy with her new millions?

Therapy? A gold-plated leg?

Dear Al...

...as I type this post the temperature in Des Moines, Iowa is 4 degrees with a windchill of -14. Needless to say, this global warming thing you keep talking about is not really working out for me. Just thought I'd let you know.

Sincerely,

Des Moines Girl

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:MuseumBellerive.JPG

Culling the herd one idiot at a time

This story proves once again that tigers are dangerous no matter how drunk, high or stupid you are.


San Francisco Zoo Tiger Attack Victim Admits Drinking, Taunting Animal, Police Say

If you've been following this story, then you know the zoo will most likely be sued because the tiger's wall enclosure was 4 feet shorter than recommended. This latest information shows the victims were 50% responsible for their own injuries (and one death) so maybe the zoo won't have to pay out as much in settlement money.


Now before I start getting flaming-nasty-gram e-mails, I did NOT say the victim deserved to die. I just simply stated he was partly responsible for his own death. Let's face it. Bad things can happen to anyone even when you're not doing anything stupid. But I think we can all agree that doing stupid things greatly increases your chances of severe injury or even death.


So...do your best to avoid premature death...don't be stupid.

The Grinch

I'm taking a poll - Is it just me? I always giggle when I read "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" to Darling Daughter when I get to this line.

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.

Can I get one without the giant pinchers?

So now researchers are predicting by the year 2050 humans will be having sex with robots.

Forecast: Sex and marriage with robots by 2050

Who are these people and do they really get paid to make these “predictions?”
If I predict that by the year 2525 humans will be able to whistle the Star Spangled Banner out of their butts, will you give me $1,000 now?

But back to this robot sex thing. I would like to know what these sex robots are going to look like. Cuz if they are going to look like the robot from Lost in Space then I’ll pass….but on the other hand if they look like Data from Star Trek Next Generation then Mmrrrrrrrrroooow! He is “fully functional” after all. Okay so maybe that was more than you wanted to know about me.

Moving on…to robot pick up lines!!!!
So let’s have a contest. Send me your best robot pick up lines and I’ll post them! Here are mine!

1. Are your feet tired cuz you’ve been running through my hard drive all night!

2. Do you compute here often?

Picture: http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/brainiac/Lost_In_Space_robot_body_1_2_2004.jpg

Gore-gasm

Everyone else seems to be having one. Pardon me if I pass. Could someone please explain to me how Al Gore’s brand of environmentalism qualifies him to receive the Nobel Peace Prize?

I think Senator McCain made a very good point on this subject while he was in Davenport, Iowa.

Afflicted monks should have won Nobel, McCain says
McCain congratulated Gore but also said, "I would have liked to see that prize go to the Buddhist monks who are suffering and dying in Burma," referring to a continuing struggle between military rulers in Myanmar and protesters, led by monks, seeking democracy.

Monks versus bunk
So how did McCain come to form his opinion? Let’s review.

1. Defenseless monks marching in the streets for democracy and losing their lives for their cause.

Versus

2. An overrated ex-politician turned environmentalist who uses air polluting private jets and gas guzzling SUVs to travel around lecturing people on the size of their carbon footprint while he buys carbon offsets.

Hmmm…Gotta go with the monks on this one.

Picture: http://www.drudgereport.com/

Punchline!

Can you think of a punchline for this set up?

My dog ate my iPod.

Here's mine.

He's been downloading songs all day.

*rimshot!*

As a clown gag...

My dog ate my iPod. Now it's an iPoo.
(hold up fake doggie doo with ear buds coming out of it.)

Poo humor. HA!!! :-)

Happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Avast ye land lubbers! It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Bring me one noggin of rum, now, won't you, matey. Arrrg!

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Pyle_pirates_treasfight.jpg

Polkarama dance party!!!!

I didn’t exactly forget – I just couldn’t decide what to post to celebrate my 2nd Blog-o-versary! Yup – hard to believe I’ve been doing this for two years. Even harder to believe people keep coming back to read what I post.

Anyhoo – the official anniversary was yesterday but the celebration is today! Help me celebrate by clicking on the video below and joining my polka dance party! Wherever you are, just get up and dance and have fun!

Warning: Video contains a few scantily clad women doing suggestive dance moves but they’re dancing to polka music so how offensive could it really be? Unless you’re offended by polka music….




Maybe it's just me but I think Weird Al is not only hilarious but a genius too.

Phrase of the day

“To blow crazy…”: (VERB) To have a sudden release of pent up emotion. Episode is usually public (e.g. holiday gatherings or family functions such as reunions, weddings, birthday parties…etc…).

Friends and family are initially shocked and confused as they were unaware of the strong emotions lurking just below the surface. Their surprise quickly turns to embarrassment and then to amusement as the “blower” becomes more dramatic and irrational. Episode is usually triggered by a trivial complaint.

“After Aunt Marge criticized her Jello mold, Mary blew crazy all over everyone and left the picnic.”

For more info, see video… (language warning)

I finally feel sorry for Britney

I am not a fan but I find myself defending Britney. Critics said she looked fat at the 2007 VMAs. Personally - I wish I looked this good after having two kids.

I have a bone to pick with you!

Not really…just needed a clever headline for this next article. File this under, “Gifts for people who have everything.”

Four-foot-long mummified walrus penis up for sale

What do you say when you give this item as a gift?

1. I saw this and thought of you.
2. I’m really hoping you don’t have one already.
3. Here’s the gift receipt…just in case.
4. I got one last year and I loved it!
5. This year we decided to only give practical gifts.
6. Gift certificates are so impersonal.
7. Happy Mother’s Day!

Can you add to my list?

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Walrus.jpg

Light pilsner or stout?

Calling all beer-loving Lutherans. What type of beer goes best with this meal? *snicker!* ;-)

Bears eat man at beer festival

I'm guessing humans might be a bit gamey so I'd recommend a pilsner - not too strong but strong enough to hold it's own. If forced to choose something other than my usual gin and tonic, I would pick Rolling Rock or Leinenkugel.

What say you?

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Wheatbeer.jpg

Long story short - funny ending

I inherited a suitcase full of magic tricks from a clown who is retiring. I found a can of "Fancy Salted Nuts" inside. Knowing exactly what it was, I handed it to darling daughter and asked if she could open it. She could tell by our giggles and big smiles there was something funny about the can (smart girl). So she started laughing and couldn't open it. I had to help her. The snake that jumped out was pretty funny!

Should I ask my mother-in-law to open the can next time she comes over? *wicked laughter!* :-)

Picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:SnakeNutCan.JPG

Card carrying member

After months of tagging along to clown meetings, I was officially inducted into the Korn Patch Klowns group last night as a full member. I was expecting blindfolds and spankings with rubber chickens...but alas...it was a simple ceremony.

They made me wear a red clown nose while I answered a few questions about what originally drew me to clowning and my clown name. We wrapped it up by reading the Clown's Prayer.

Prayer of a Clown
Help me to create more laughter than tears,
Dispense more happiness than gloom,
Spread more cheer than despair.

Never let me grow so big that I will fail to
See the wonder in the eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.
Never let me forget than I am a Clown…
That my work is to cheer people up, make them happy, and make them laugh, make them forget momentarily all the unpleasant things in their lives.

Never let me jeopardize the integrity of clowndom by improper conduct.
Help me to always make others proud of my actions as a clown.

Never let me acquire financial success to the point where I will discontinue calling upon my Creator in the hour of plenty.

In other news…
Pregnancy complaint of the week - My bellybutton hurts!!! :-O

If the shoe farts....
Currently, my most comfortable pair of shoes are my white (okay - mostly white) tennis shoes. Unfortunately, every time I step with my right foot my shoe makes a 'phoosh' sound, which is remarkably similar to a bodily function. (...sigh...)

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried

I'm back in the saddle again - posting that is - and fresh from a long weekend visiting my sister in Minnesota. The trip was a lot of fun! We all had a great time! I was expecting this to be a run-of-the-mill-back-from-vacation-guess-what-we-did-over-the-weekend kind of post. And it would have been too if it wasn't for our crazy trip home.

Break down
We were almost home - just north of Ames, Iowa when Hubby's truck broke down. With gauges red lining, we limped to the Ames exit driving about 40 miles an hour on the shoulder for three miles. The truck was making a horrible noise, which only grew louder the farther we drove. We turned into the first parking lot we could find, a credit union right next to a gas station. As soon as Hubby touched the brake, the truck died - not good.

Hubby popped the hood and looked at the engine; not because he knows anything about automotive repair but because that's what you do when you break down. He walked over to the gas station to borrow a phone book while Darling Daughter and I stayed in the truck. I amused myself by people watching. Not a lot to see - the credit union was behind us and there just wasn't a lot of action on an early Monday afternoon....or so we thought.

A little thing called fate...or is it karma?...more like Divine Comedy
Strange things happen to my family. If you've ever doubted that God has a sense of humor, come over to my house and let me tell you some stories. My brother once cheated death when his furnace blew up with him standing next to it - walked away without a scratch. Later that day, he won a cruise to the Bahamas through a radio trivia contest. I warned Hubby when we got married he would be sucked into the DMG family curse. So when we found out the credit union where we were parked was robbed while we were sitting there my immediate response was to laugh out loud.

No one hurt in armed robbery at credit union

I missed the whole thing because the truck was facing the wrong way. We didn't even have a clue anything was going on - nobody told us - but we caught on pretty quick when a police officer pulled into the parking lot and got out of his car carrying his shotgun. I thought maybe he didn't like our Hawkeye license plates - Ames is home to the Iowa State Cyclones and they are bitter rivals with the University of Iowa Hawkeyes, Hubby's alma mater.

The policeman came over and talked to us. We found out the robbery occured when Hubby was in the gas station. I told them about a few people I saw in the parking lot - nothing exciting from my point of view but they made me talk to two different detectives. I did the best I could. People watching is a passive activity - you never think you'll actually have to remember what they looked like. They were done questioning me about the same time the tow truck showed up.

Would have, could have, should have....
It was all very exciting. I don't know how helpful I was. I didn't see any of the actual robbery itself. Hubby - being the morbid one in the family - was kicking himself later, "I never should have left you alone in the truck!" He dwells on what could have happened - if I had seen something and if the robber had seen me seeing something and then something really bad could have happened...yadda yadda yadda.... I guess I don't worry too much about that kind of stuff. I didn't see anything let alone something therefore nothing happened. It's the story of my life - when something really cool happens, I'm always looking the other way.

The best news out of all of this is the truck is fixed and it didn't cost us an arm and a leg. We were sweating bullets thinking it was something really serious. Turns out it was just a broken hose clamp and a busted thermostat caused when we turned on the air conditioner; broken hose blew coolant all over the thermostat and fried it. First car repair we've had in a long time that came in under $200.

Somewhat anti-climatic but like I told Hubby, "Hey! It's blog-able!"

Shut up and get out of my cube!

That’s how my week began. Things are a little better now but my major project is still unapproved. Monday is drop dead day – one way or another it will have to be finished.

Give me strength!

Being pregnant makes things 10 – 100x more irritating so my fuse has been a lot shorter and my reactions to unexpected problems much more intense.

Things that have annoyed me this week:

1. Super cheerful people who talk about the importance of wellness when you're so busy you can't even think about your exercise routine let alone stick to one.

2. People who wait until the last minute to give you the info you need, which keeps you from being able to do your job.

3. Being too pregnant for your regular clothes but not pregnant enough to keep your maternity jeans from sliding down your butt.

4. The whiney little message you get when your e-mail box is too full thus filling up your e-mail box with more useless e-mail.

5. The whiney little message you get that prevents you from sending an e-mail because your e-mail box is too full.

6. The last minute request.

7. The person who stresses the importance of completing the task but doesn’t offer to help.

8. The well intentioned person who tries to help but inadvertently creates more work for you.

Hmmmm….let’s see…did I miss anything? Oh, yeah…

9. The scary music they play during weather alerts. What do they want us to do – wet ourselves and curl up in a fetal position? Criminey!

Five random facts about me meme

Meme meme meme! I was tagged by Kevin Stilley.

I've kind of done this recently with another post. Let's see if I can think of 5 more random things.

1. I love spicy food! Although not so much recently with the pregnancy and all. Have to watch it or it comes back to haunt me.

2. My eyes are green but sometimes depending on the light or what I'm wearing some people will swear I have brown eyes, or one green eye and one brown eye or one green eye and one blue eye or any combination there of.

3. I think the following joke is really funny...and I'm not sure why, "Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?....Because it was dead!"

4. I love to play board games - Monopoly and Scrabble are two of my favorites.

5. I learned this recently – YUCATAN in military jargon is an acronym for You're Under Certain Annihilation Throw A Nuke! Trying to work this into my next e-mail at work.