Putting the “fun” back in “dysfunctional”: A Holiday Survival Guide

Your relatives are due on your door step any minute – and you hate them! Here are a few tips to help make the holidays a little more tolerable for all of us. You’ll notice my advice is divided into two categories – for Crazy Relatives and for Non-Crazy Relatives – which category you fall into should be obvious.

Still not sure which category is yours? Well – if you don’t think you have any crazy relatives then it is entirely possible that YOU are the crazy relative. Does that help?

Advice for Crazy Relatives

1. Shut up and eat - Eat what is offered – no complaints. Thank the chef and praise the cooking even if it is hideous.

2. Accept that people will do things different than you do - Don’t criticize or offer helpful suggestions (unless asked) on how to make the traditional sweet potato/green bean/tuna/cheese/ham ball/cranberry/chicken casserole with potato chip topping.

3. Drinkers should abstain – non-drinkers should drink liberally. Drinkers won’t get drunk – non-drinkers will automatically become more interesting.

4. Put on a happy face - Don’t argue about who got great grandma’s good dishes, Uncle Harry’s farm, or who was mom’s favorite. Stick to safer topics like the weather. When in doubt, shut your pie hole.

5. Sample phrases to use:

Thank you for inviting me!
Everything looks delicious!
What a lovely home you have!
Can I help clean up?
Next year you’ll have to let me host!

6. Sample phrases to avoid:

This turkey is as dry as your cold dead heart!
I hate you!
Mother always liked you best!
I always liked Christmas better at (INSERT NAME OF EX WIFE/HUSBAND)’s house.
Aren’t you dead yet?

Advice for Non-Crazy Relatives

1. Drink before you go. Leave early.

2. If you are hosting, start drinking before other people show up.

3. Stop inviting crazy relatives to your holiday gatherings.

4. Practice your fake laughter for those unavoidable stressful moments.

5. Avoid unnecessary conversation by keeping their mouths full, “More turkey/potatoes/stuffing/pie/coffee?”

6. Sample phrases: Use with caution

Hysterical laughter followed by, “You’re soooooooo funny!”
I’m sorry – but we’re having a drama free evening.
Yes – mother always did like me best. Are you happy now?
My turkey may be dry but at least you can’t freeze ice on my ass.
Why don’t you be quiet for awhile and let that cut under your nose heal.