Happy 2006! To celebrate the New Year, I thought I’d share one of my favorite stories from my years at Drake University.

You can’t ride in my little red wagon…

In the spring of 1990, I was a freshman at Drake University. That fall I had scored what I thought was a pretty sweet job delivering The Times Delphic, the campus newspaper.

All I had to do was go to the TD office in Meredith Hall, put the papers in the wagon and walk the campus dropping off papers at different locations. It wasn’t too bad as far as jobs go. I only had to work two days a week for a couple hours each day. The only downside was I spent most of the time walking outside so I was at the mercy of the weather.

But enough back story – let’s cut to the chase.

The crime
It was close to the end of the spring semester and I decided to borrow the TD’s wagon to help me take some boxes to the campus post office. I asked two friends to help me out. I got the wagon from the TD office and walked to the Goodwin-Kirk dorm. One friend came up to my dorm room with me while the other friend stayed with the wagon downstairs. I had a few boxes that needed to be taped up but figured it wouldn’t take too long.

Well, like most things, getting the boxes ready took longer than we thought and after several minutes my friend who had been waiting with the wagon came upstairs to figure out what was going on. By the time we went back downstairs, the wagon was gone (INSERT LAW AND ORDER THEME MUSIC HERE).

I went to my boss at the paper and explained what happened and apologized for my carelessness. The TD editor didn’t seem overly concerned – the paper had two wagons. I told her I would be happy to buy a new wagon. She said she would talk to the paper’s advisor to find out what we should do. She called me back later that night. The advisor said that since the wagon was technically university property I needed to call campus security and fill out a stolen property report. “You’re kidding me, right?” She wasn’t kidding.

Just the facts ma'am

Campus Security: Campus Security...how may I help you?

Me: I need to report some stolen property. I swear I’m not making this up. This isn’t a prank. I was told I needed to call you. I work for The Times Delphic. I use a wagon to deliver the paper and it was stolen. My editor told me that since the wagon is university property I had to call you and report it.

Campus Security: Okay – wait in your room. We’ll send a security guard right over. They’ll call you from the front desk.

Me: We can’t do this over the phone?

Campus Security: I’m sorry ma’am. It’s standard procedure.

After a few minutes, the phone rang and I went down to the lobby and saw not one but TWO campus security guards. One, the older and most likely more experienced of the two guards, lounged against the front desk and looked like he was a donut hole away from a heart attack. The younger, I’m assuming the rookie guard, was all business and got right to the point.

Campus Guard: What’s the situation?

Me: Have you been told anything about why you were called?

Campus Guard: No ma’am.

Me: (sighing heavily) I swear I’m not making this up….

The guard took down my information, asked a few questions about the time of day, who was with me, and how long the wagon had been left alone. I answered as best as I could.

Campus Guard: I just have one more question for you. I’m not making fun of you. It’s standard procedure… Did the wagon have any distinguishing marks?

We had officially crossed over into the absurd but I thought what the hell.

Me: It was a red Radio Flyer with white lettering. It had a black handle and white hubcaps with little red dots in the center...squeaks a lot.

Campus Guard: Thank you ma’am. I think we have everything we need. Go back to your dorm room. Someone from the security office will call you in a few minutes.

I slunk back to my room. After about 15 minutes, the phone rang. It was Campus Security informing me they had filed my report but there was still one more thing I needed to do. I had to report the theft to the Des Moines police department, get a case number and then call Campus Security back. This would be interesting.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...no matter how ridiculous....

Police Dispatcher: Des Moines Police Department.

Me: Uh…I’m a student at Drake University. I’ve already filed a stolen property report with Campus Security but they said I should call you and get a case number.

Police Dispatcher: What was stolen, ma’am?

Me: I swear I’m not making this up…

I told my story for the third time that evening. When I was finished, I thought the woman on the other end stifled a burst of laughter before placing me on hold. I slowly beat my head against the closet door while I waited. After what seemed an eternity, I was transferred to a detective.

Detective: This is Detective ____.

Me: I’m a student at Drake. Campus Security said I needed to call you. Did the dispatcher tell you why I called?

Detective: No ma’am. What can I do for you?

Me: (sinking down to the floor with heavy sigh) I swear I’m not making this up…

The detective was very professional. Asked me all the standard questions, all the same questions Campus Security had already asked me. And then the last question - I felt it coming.

Detective: I just have one more question for you. I’m not trying to make fun of you. It’s standard procedure… Did the wagon have any distinguishing marks?

Me: (groaning internally) Red Radio Flyer, white lettering, black handle, white hubcaps with little red dots in the center...squeaks a lot.

Long arm of the law comes up short
The detective thanked me and said he would call me if they found it but the odds were against it (big surprise there). The Des Moines police have never called me back and neither did campus security. I heard rumors of wagon sightings during my sophomore year but it was never found. Sometimes late at night when I can't sleep, I wonder if my missing wagon file is sitting in a cold case file room in the Des Moines police department.... I kind of hope they pass it off to rookie cops as part of a hazing ritual.