I hate shopping…

I know that sounds weird but I really, really do. I hate shopping more than PETA hates all you can eat rib night. I would love to be the woman with a closet full of just-the-right-outfits for every occasion but I don’t have the time, the money or the patience required to spend hours trying on clothes. Here’s what happened yesterday.

The three of us go shopping to stock up on some summer clothes. Darling daughter is starting to get that Brittany-Spears-bare-mid-drift look because last years shirts are getting a little short on her. Hubby needs some business casual for summer and I…well I need a little bit of everything because as usual my closet is one fashion faux pas away from complete and total wardrobe failure. We go to the little girl section first.

Daughter is easy. She’s still at that age where she doesn’t need to try anything on. All we have to do is find some shirts we like in the next size up. Same for shoes although with the way her feet grow I always have to double check her size – this time a size 10. (I think a growth spurt is coming – her feet always grow first)

Now it’s my turn. Hubby takes darling daughter so I can shop in peace and quiet. I stay in the shoe section. My mission – to find a pair of brown sandals, maybe some slides. Shoes should be easy, right? Wrong.

It’s no wonder Cinderella lost her slipper
The first pair of slides I try on I can’t even get my freakin’ foot into the shoe. I try the next size up but the straps going across the top of the foot are still too tight and now the rest of the shoe is too long. Fine. I go to another brand. The same thing happens!!! So I give up trying to cram my unwieldy hoof into Cinderella’s slipper and move on to the women’s department, my mood quickly souring.

My first pass through the racks does nothing to improve my mood. I’m sorry, but brown and turquoise peasant tops and broomstick skirts weren’t “me” in the 70s and they certainly aren’t “me” now. I can’t wear that stuff to work. Anyone know where I can buy a bottle of liquid nostalgia? Maybe if I drank some…

I return to hubby in the men’s department in a foul mood (that’s without trying anything on – can you imagine if I had?). Hubby has found mountains of clothing, “Just what I’ve been looking for!” he says. I offer to take darling daughter for a spin so he can shop free and easy for awhile. I was also beginning to have homocidal thoughts but I didn't tell hubby that (He didn't even try anything on! He found the right size, took it home and it fit perfectly!!!)

Department store rage
I take a few laps around the store to cool off and then head back to the women’s department. I have to buy something or move to a nudist colony. Darling daughter wants to get out of the cart so I stop to look at a jacket and some tops. In my mood, I’m going no where near the low rise, boot cut, stretch jeans (what mutant woman’s body is shaped like that?!?!?).

I finally decide on a black and white patterned jacket to go with some black capris already in my wardrobe, two polos and a flowered scoop neck tee. Hubby comes to find me and is amazed I actually put something in the cart (he’s shopped with me before). It’s not a lot but at least it’s something. We call it a day – my mood won’t handle another store.

Free primal scream with every purchase
I would like shopping a lot more if I could find clothes I liked and looked good on me (what a concept!). I don’t know why I have this problem. I don’t have a weirdly shaped body (at least I don’t think so). I take a 7 ½ shoe a size 8/10 pants. Last I checked that’s fairly average.

I think my biggest obstacle is like most mommies I have to shop on a budget. I have a lot less trouble when I shop in the pricier stores with the better brands but I can’t stretch my dollar as far. Secondly – I admit, I’m picky. I just don’t go for the really trendy styles. I’m a classic, Brooks Brother’s kind of gal on a sale rack budget…sigh… Maybe there’s a 12-step program out there I can join (Lousy Shoppers Anonymous)…

Roll-on-the-floor funny!
Have you ever asked yourself, “If Martin Luther was a movie critic, what would he say about today’s popular movies?”

You haven’t?!?!? Surely you jest!!! Either way, check out Luther at the Movies http://lutheratthemovies.blogspot.com. You won’t regret it.

Gotta give props to Caroline http://paradisetownship.blogspot.com/ and the Aardvark http://aardvarkalley.blogspot.com/2006/04/confessional-cinematic-criticism.html for this cyber tip.