Wellness schmellness

Last year my company began offering wellness assessments. The theory is if the employees take a more active role to maintain or improve their health then overall insurance costs will go down. It is not a mandatory program but employees who participate get a discount on their insurance rates.

I took my health assessment this morning. Let’s just say I’m really glad I’ve been eating oatmeal every morning and Lean Cuisines at lunch most days for ABSOLUTELY NO IMPROVEMENT WHATSOEVER!

The good, the bad and the ugly
Oh there were some changes - some good some bad. It all ended up being a wash.

For example...

Good news – I lost five pounds. (I was shooting for a lot more but okay fine whatever.)
Bad new – I must have lost muscle because my fat percentage went up.

Good news – my triglycerides are down (yeah!)
Bad news – my good cholesterol went down and my bad cholesterol went up so my overall cholesterol went up one point.

I know life isn’t fair but…
I hardly ever eat fast food and when I do I usually order a salad. I do not smoke. I exercise regularly. I’m not a saint when it comes to eating but I do try, and I can honestly say I’m exercising more now than a year ago. I’m doing all this stuff and I get bupkus, zip, nada…. It’s not fair!

To add insult to injury, to get the insurance discount you have to enter a new health goal for the next year. You don’t necessarily have to achieve it but you do have to enter a goal. What am I going to say? I’m already doing all the stuff I’m supposed to be doing.

Well, you just need to do more.

Bite me!

If I can’t obtain reasonable, rational, obtainable goals such as eat better, exercise more and lose weight, maybe I need some different goals – goals that are unreasonable, irrational and unattainable.

My Health Goals for 2006 - 2007

1. Not die.
2. Lose 60 pounds in six weeks; learn to dance like Britney Spears.
3. Have pure silk stream from my butt.
4. Poop Faberge eggs.
5. During colonoscopy, find lost city of Atlantis.
6. Sell toe nail clippings on E-Bay; use money to buy treadmill.
7. Improve leg strength through repeated inter-departmental a$$ kickings.
8. Learn to crush beer cans on my head.
9. Burp the entire alphabet (learned how to burp I love you while dating hubby yet somehow he remains unimpressed)
10. Play a lively rendition of the Star Spangled Banner in my arm pit.

You are correct - I'm not taking this seriously. It's the bitterness talking. Ignore me - this too shall pass.

I had these goals all typed up and I wanted so badly to hit the submit button but I chickened out. Here’s what I really wrote.

eat better
exercise more
lose weight

…sigh…

I know this sounds like a lot of "poor me" and for this I apologize. I have it a lot better than a lot of other folks. I do need to lose about 15 - 20 pounds. It is not a monumental amount of weight but with the way I feel right now it might as well be 100. The cholesterol concerns me the most but between my thyroid problem (can cause high cholesterol) and family history (runs in the family - ask my 92 year old grandfather), I'm not sure what I can do about it.

...double sigh...